The new year

The new year is coming.  I use to look forward to staying up late and making resolutions.  A new start, a reason to make changes.

Now the new year already seems old, hope of change is over shadowed by knowledge that change isn't always good.  I find it hard to celebrate something that, as the years pass, seems more and more pointless.

I suppose I am in a funk.  Perhaps my resolution should be to look for the positives, to find joy in life.  Christmas was a good time this year, with few melancholy moments.  I was encouraged and didn't have to pretend to enjoy myself. 

Maybe it is because this year is ending on a positive that I don't want to start new.  I want things to keep going as they are.  No more changes. 

The mom I want to be

So I recently shared on my homeschooling blog about a new Christmas tradition I started this year. "Christmas Barbie" has a new activity to do each day, I set her up each morning so the girls can find her and figure out what we will be up to.

In the back of my head there is this little voice saying, "Are you serious?"  Do I really need to have something new everyday?  Isn't Barbie just adding to an already hectic holiday season? Am I just trying to compensate for something?

The answer is yes, I'm serious, the girls look forward to something new, it has made the season a bit more hectic, and I know I'm trying to compensate.

The thing is, even if this is the only year "Christmas Barbie" makes an appearance, she will be talked about and remembered. In the minds of my girls it will be something we "always use to do."

I want them to remember childhood as full of fun and excitement.  I want them to think of me as fun, crafty, and as someone who did things for them.  I worry that I will be the angry mom who's always crying.  I worry that they will remember when I was at my lowest.  So now that the lowest has past I want to help them make happy memories and having a new, some what over the top, tradition helps.

When the sun shines bright

When the weather is nice, when I'm warm and cozy, when I can see the wonders of God's handy work, I sometimes think of my son.  It is easier to keep smiling when life seems so peaceful and calm.

Last week while working with in cubbies, listening to one boy "say" his verse I had to laugh at how hard it was to understand him.  The sweet kid had just turned three during the summer so he is only a few month older than James would have been.

As the boy talked I thought how wonderful it is that moms can understand their children even when no one else can.  We get used to hearing their mumblings and can pick out the words.

I miss deciphering  kid-speak, I wonder what words James would have stumbled over, what his first word would have been, and if strangers would have been able to understand him.

But with the sun shining thru the window I can't help but smile and remember this world is temporary, the day will come when we have eternity.  To spend eternal life with my children is so much more important.

Life is for the living

I'm not going to lie, this has been a long hard week.  Memories felt fresh, pain felt strong. I ended up worn out and managed to make myself sick.

While on my own at night I watched a Korean Drama, they are my secret pleasure.  I usually pick ones that are light hearted comedies.  But this one I chose because of its sad story line.  Long story short (and Korean dramas tend to be long) the main character miscarries.  I wanted a reason to cry that wasn't my own.  I wanted to be sad but not about anything real.  So I watched and I cried.

Later in the episode another character offers comfort by saying, "being sad won't help the dead, it only makes those still alive suffer."  In many ways that is how I have treated my grief.  I tend to keep it to myself because I don't want those around me to feel burdened by it.  I want my daughters to be happy they had a brother, not to feel like they have to be sad.  I want to enjoy the time I spend with friends and family even on days I am in a funk.

My family has always dealt with life through humor so it seems fitting that we deal with death the same way.  Still I look forward to the new life without death, without sadness, without pain and for the days to come when I will be able to share all my emotions with those around me because they will all be joyful.

Saying goodbye

It's that time of year again.  I want to cry and wail and get mad at life.  I want tomorrow to never come , for that day to have never existed.

It is hard enough to remember the joy of having a son, why must I also remember the pain of losing him.  

Turning three

Birthdays are time to celebrate another year together, another year of accomplishments.  They are a time to look forward at the year to come.  We laugh about what could be coming, potty training or talking back.  As toddlers become preschoolers you have to rearrange bedrooms and find new things to keep them occupied.

But this birthday is different.  There is no together, no year to come, no times remembered.  It is becoming just a memory of something from long ago.  Something I don't want to let go of but I don't know how to hold on.

James will always be a part of our family. The girls will always have had a little brother.  It seems fitting to remember him on his birthday.  To remember the part of our family that is no longer with is.

Yet it is harder this year.  Jon is out of town and I'm feeling lost and alone.  I'm not sure how to remember without sorrow.  How to celebrate the life without mourning the death.  

So I made cupcakes, cried into my pillow and looked through James' photo album.  My little boy, a joy to hold, I look forward to the eternity we will be able to celebrate in paradise.

A down day

Seems like it doesn't take much to send me into a funk these days.  A few extra family stresses, a day going through old pictures and a well meaning person who didn't know what was going on.

She was trying to be encouraging, "every time I spent time in the hospital it drew me closer to God."  "You don't need to worry, God won't put you through more than you can bear."

I wished I hadn't joked about being a bit paranoid driving at night.  I wanted to tell the Lady to shutup, she didn't know me or what I'd been through!  And guess what, I had been through more than I could bear and I never want to go though anything like that again!

Instead I just smiled, nodded, and left.  I had been getting ready to leave anyways.  The drive home was a bit tense. 

And I thought about it, "was I closer to God than I had been?"  The answer is no, God showed me not how close He could be but how close He always was.  When I read Gods amazing truths in the Bible they were the same ones I read before, they just made more sense.  God's grace didn't become clearer it was the stain of sin on this world that became clearer.

Things I don't want others to know

I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all the emotions and questions that came after my son died.  It has been a nice place for reflection and healing.  But last week I was struggling and didn't want to post it.

I've been having this strange dream and waking up feeling sad and helpless.  Part of me wanted to hold on to the pain.  The pain meant I still cared, he was still important and missed. Part if me wanted to move past the pain, stop dwelling on the hurt and allow God's healing.

It was strange how something as simple as a bad dream could throw my whole life off.  I couldn't sleep.  I was short tempered.  I got frustrated easily.  Dwelling on pain and hurt is not remembering.  Focusing on the fear I felt is not loving the son I miss.

Even though the dreams were a reminder that James is still important, dwelling on the hurt is not remembering with love.

The brightness of light

Yesterday I had a wonderful time talking to a dear friend.  In true old friend fashion we managed to talk about everything imaginable and then a few more.

Afterwards I started thinking about what was said and old times and life now.  So many changes have taken place in the last three years, some where painful and terrible but others where wonderful.

The painful ones come to mind quickly, they hurt even now.  The good changes tend to make me mad because they just emphasize how bad the others where.  

In the end though I have to be able to thank God for bringing me through the good time as well as the bad.  It is good to know that He doesn't abandon you after helping you through a trial.  Just because things seem better doesn't mean He lets you handle it your self.

And He knows what is coming so I don't have to worry.  Whether we come to good times or bad times He will be with us and I shall praise Him.

Just Like Everyone Else

Lately I've been told by people that my marriage seems happier and my husband and I seem nicer to each other. At first I wasn't sure how to take it.  Was I mean before?  Was I overly cranky?  Was there something wrong with how we were acting?

Then I was talking to a friend about it and realized our life is "normal" now.  We are dealing only with the regular stress that normal people have.  Before there was grief, anger, confusion, and frustration over school.  Now there is normal life.

Sure there are still days I want to stay in bed and hide under the blankets but now I can get up anyways without someone pushing me.  There are days life seems unfair and everything we've been through seems too much.

But there are also days spent smiling.  Days when I'm eager to get up and get started.  Days when life seems good.

The big trials are in the past for now, with life there is no certainty they will stay there but for now I can relax and focus on today.  After all why worry about tomorrow?

social media and praying for comfort

With social media it is easy for the entire world to know your problems before you've even had a chance to think about them.  People pass on personal information in the form of prayer requests or just are so shocked they automatically share it with others.

But that can lead to strangers putting their two cents in where it doesn't belong or extened family feeling like they are the last to know something important.

The internet has become a release for people, it is a place they can share what they think, feel, or wish.  But my personal reaction to someone else's problems and pain doesn't need pushed out on to the internet.

So instead I put it on a blog they won't see, and hardly anyone reads.  I'm able to cry for them, pray for them and not worry that some unknown stranger may post something "thoughtful" which could hurt.

I pray for my friends, for comfort while they grieve, for strength while they raise their daughter, for courage as they hear all the questions, for grace while they make arrangements, for love while they feel lost, for hope as they look to eternity. 

I pray for their families who are grieving with them while also comforting them.  I pray that they too might find strength and comfort.

The world is a sadder place tonight, hearts are heavy and eyes tearful. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

miracle balloons

It is summer time, for me that means more free time, since we don't school year round, and miracle balloons at Dairy Queen.

Dairy Queen has been selling the paper balloons for as long as I remember.  They didn't really mean much to me when I first worked there.  Sure giving a dollar to a good cause and getting coupons was nice and all, but it didn't really impact me.  When James died that changed.

The donations collected in our area go directly to the place he past away.  For me buying a balloon is now a way of saying thank-you to the hospital staff who struggled to keep him alive and, when they failed, the staff who were the first to offer comfort while I grieved.

So when Miracle balloon sales began three years ago the balloons had new meaning and importance to me.  I wanted to give more, to do more.  I decided to encourage to local store, where I worked, to promote the balloons more and we began a raffle.  Ticket were earned when ballon sales were good and names were drawn at the end of the selling season.

I didn't realize how draining caring would be, how emotional I would be.  In the end it was good and gave me an outlet for both my grief and my energy.

This year I'm not working, I'm home being a mom to my other kids.  But I still want to be a part of something bigger than me and Miracle balloons are what I know.  So I am sponsoring the raffle again and feeling the drain on my emotions.  How is it that caring can feel so good and so bad.

one to actually post

A funny thing about blogging emotions, sometimes they change quickly or don't quite make it out onto the page.  For me that has meant many blog entries that were started, some even finished but never posted on line.  Some of them turned out to be to personal, not meant for others to see.  Some where to insensitive, since my readers are mostly known to me sometimes I don't want one of them to have to see how I feel so I keep it to myself.   And sometimes I am just to distracted life keeps going around me and  I get caught up in it.

But two and a half years later I still have the same emotions they are just a little less raw, a little easier to hide and a little less anxious to be shared.

The church nursery helper sign up form was passed around last week and I looked at the sweet little ones that would be back in the nursery and I wondered if I would ever want to help again.  I simply don't want to.  I don't want to hear the young moms talk about their baby troubles and triumphs, I don't want them stuck with me if I'm in a melancholy mood.

Some weeks would be fine but others would be a struggle so I didn't sign up.  I wonder if they will understand or if they will think I forgot, I don't want to have to explain so I hope noone asks about it later.

How life is.

Sometimes it is hard to know how to react to people.  Sometimes instead of figuring out the correct reaction it is easier to simply not react.

Today we were at girl scouts talking about what babies need to survive.  Most of the girls thought of things like food, air, water, and someone to care for the baby.  One girl was a bit obsessed with bodily functions.  She was very insistent about babies needing to poop and pee.

Of course she was right.  In fact that was the problem James had.  The insides have to work right.  But that was not what we were suppose to be working on, so I directed the girls back to what we can give or do to help babies.

The hardest part was watching Charry, she knew that was why James died but she didn't seem to want to talk about it.  I don't know if she would have said something if I hadn't been the leader.

I knew because of the topic that I would be thinking of James, I purposely left my locket at home so the girls couldn't ask to see his picture.  But even so I wasn't sure how to react, sometimes having first hand knowlege makes it harder to talk about something rather than easier.

Dreams

I had a strange dream last night.  I dreamed I saw my son.  I told him how much I missed him and still loved him.  I showed him all the things we had saved from when he was born.  It wasn't like he was here more like he was visiting.  At the end of the dream I had to say goodbye again.

It was weird, felt real, and I can't quite shake it.  I guess I let my mind wander to much lately and creaky doors keep the mind awake while the body sleeps.  Some dreams are in between sleep and awake, they tend to feel more real and are harder to forget.  This was one of those.

Now my day is starting in a slump, not depressed sad, more lonely.  Two and a half years has been a long time for me.  There have been so many changes and life has moved so fast.  It was strange to look back and feel it all so fresh.

looking back on 2012

It was the best of times it was the worst of times, only not the first part.

2012 will be the year Jon graduated from college (finally) and the year my dad died.  I will remember how hard it was to to watch my parents, my dad's sickness and my mom's grief.

I'll remember how anxious I was for Jon to finally be done with school and the aggravation of job searching.

Much of the year is a blur of working at DQ then staying home all the time.  Of schooling my daughters and moving out of the apartments.  Of praying for friends and acquaintances as they suffer heartache.

It has not been a year of joy or celebration but it has been a year with God in control.  I suppose as long as we trust in Him it is "the best of times" because He is there with us.