Turning three

Birthdays are time to celebrate another year together, another year of accomplishments.  They are a time to look forward at the year to come.  We laugh about what could be coming, potty training or talking back.  As toddlers become preschoolers you have to rearrange bedrooms and find new things to keep them occupied.

But this birthday is different.  There is no together, no year to come, no times remembered.  It is becoming just a memory of something from long ago.  Something I don't want to let go of but I don't know how to hold on.

James will always be a part of our family. The girls will always have had a little brother.  It seems fitting to remember him on his birthday.  To remember the part of our family that is no longer with is.

Yet it is harder this year.  Jon is out of town and I'm feeling lost and alone.  I'm not sure how to remember without sorrow.  How to celebrate the life without mourning the death.  

So I made cupcakes, cried into my pillow and looked through James' photo album.  My little boy, a joy to hold, I look forward to the eternity we will be able to celebrate in paradise.