Saturday, August 31, 2013

Things I don't want others to know

I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all the emotions and questions that came after my son died.  It has been a nice place for reflection and healing.  But last week I was struggling and didn't want to post it.

I've been having this strange dream and waking up feeling sad and helpless.  Part of me wanted to hold on to the pain.  The pain meant I still cared, he was still important and missed. Part if me wanted to move past the pain, stop dwelling on the hurt and allow God's healing.

It was strange how something as simple as a bad dream could throw my whole life off.  I couldn't sleep.  I was short tempered.  I got frustrated easily.  Dwelling on pain and hurt is not remembering.  Focusing on the fear I felt is not loving the son I miss.

Even though the dreams were a reminder that James is still important, dwelling on the hurt is not remembering with love.


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