Boxing Day

Christmas is a bit overwhelming.  So much business, so much family, so much memories.  Trying hard not to be constantly remembering, how it was or thinking how it should be.

I miss my dad, his humor, his laugh.  As a kid, Christmas was the day we saw the most of him.  So Christmas is a time I am reminded the most of him.  He's the one who always had the music playing in the background, he's the one who picked the movies to watch.  He's the one who made fun of all the gifts.

I also miss my son, I wonder what Christmas would have been like.  One more stocking hung, one more child to chase, one mess after another to clean up.

But they are both celebrating with the Savior.   What a party it must be in Heaven every day as Gods promises are fulfilled and His glory shown.

I just need to get away from reminiscing and wishful thinking and remember what Christmas is really about.  It's not about family, laughter, being loving to one another.  It is about how God showed his love for us by sending His one and only Son, that all who believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Christmas Time is here again

Last weekend was hard for me.  I got in fights (well arguments) for silly reasons.  I didn't want to do the things that needed done.  I didn't get to do the fun things I wanted to do.  I was too emotional, happy or sad it all came out my eyes, i.e. I cried a lot.

Then came monday, a new week.  I took a step back and prayed for a new heart, a new understanding, and a new attitude.  God is good.  He is working on me and working with me.  Christmas is a time spent with loved ones and family.  For me with some of my loved ones and family gone Christmas will always be a time they are missed.

My mom is such an encouragement to me.  She is able to focus on the hope of eternity, the promise that those who go before us are already perfected.  I am sure she has bad days too.  But seeing her constantly relying on God through those time is a wonderful reminder to me to do like wise.

I pray that my focus during Christmas and beyond will be of the son of God come to earth to bring healing.  Now my happy tears are back as I praise God my son and my dad have both found that healing, I eagerly await the day I will join them and all these tears will be wiped away.

Moving

We are moving soon, like in a few days soon.  The new place isn't far and it is quite familiar (my parents old place.)  I'm glad to be out of the apartments even if only for a little while (the move is short term.)  I had a hard time packing though.

I had a hard time putting all my James memorabilia into a box.  I had a hard time closing the box.  I had a hard time thinking of anyone else carrying that box or opening it up.  It was the only box I labeled.  It is the only one that matters right now.

This is the only home James ever knew.  These are the only walls he ever saw.  Now I am going to a place with no memories of him, a place he never played, never grew, never was.

But it is a place full of other memories.  A place I grew.  A place my other kids played.  A place that has a lot of "should have beens."

James' will be the first box I unpack, it will be the first thing I find a spot for.

Lamentations

This morning as I got out my Bible to read my heart felt heavy.  Life was not going as I want it to.  I don't understand why.  There are things that have happened, chooses I have made that I know where the right thing to do.  yet I feel like I'm being punished for them.  It reminded me of when I found out I was expecting James.

I cried, I was not over joyed but I had peace that this was part of God's plan for us.  I knew that this baby was a blessing.  Then when he was a week old James went to be with God, he was taken from us.  Part of me can't help but wonder what did I do wrong, why did I deserve that.

That was what was on my heart and mind as I read Lamentations 3:20-23 "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.  Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning." (NIV)

So I praise God for His faithfulness and pray that morning will come when I can see His mercies.

Frustration

Last week was long, I feel exhausted.  Now it looks like we will have a few more long months ahead of us.

Some how when I try to pray and ask God for help, I think of my son.  Even when my prayers are for something small, like looking for lost keys, I remember how hard it was to pray for what I really wanted.

I find myself going back to the same prayer of "please let Your will be done, but please let it not be this."  I don't want to go through trials or face hard times.  I want to keep healing, not face life just yet.

When I pray I can't beg God to do anything for me, because he has done so much.  Knowing how great His sacrifice was for me, how much He loves me, what else can I do but trust Him and pray for the patience to wait on Him.

So I struggle with prayer, with what I want and what I need, with knowing God is in control but that doesn't mean everything will be grand on this earth.  I pray for peace, for understanding, and for life to go as God sees fit.  And I try to remember that God hears my prayers even when He has to answer them, "no".

a day I don't want to remember

Celebrating James' birthday last week was hard.  But it was the melancholy happy sad that makes you want to smile as you cry.  I have such good memories of the day he was born.  I loved holding him close and laughing at his cute ears.

Today is the two year anniversary of his death.  There is nothing to celebrate, no happy memories, no reasons to smile.  Instead I want to cry, to wail, to shout how unfair life is.  How hard it is to still be dealing with this pain.

The grief I feel is mine alone.  I don't want to share it.  I don't want my daughters to remember the pain that came after their brother died.  I want them to remember the special little brother that they barely met.  So on his birthday we celebrated but today I cry alone.

I am so thankful for the people around me who give love and support, it is nice to know I am not completely alone.

Dreaming of Terrible Two's

We are planning a "party" for tomorrow.  Some thing simple, decorate cupcakes and play video games.  Just our small little family.  We're taking the day off school but Jon still has to work, so it will just be for the evening.  I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm sad, I want to cry, I want to sit by myself and wail about how unfair life is, how cruel the world is.

I'm happy, I want to remember my son,  remember holding him, remember how it felt to have him.

I'm curious, two years old what would he have been like, would he have been a trouble maker, a fighter, a cuddler?

I'm tired, it has been a long year.  I can't believe two years have gone by already.  Life keeps changing. At times I just want it to slow down, to let me catch up.

I am blessed to have my daughters, they keep life from passing me by.  They are happy to celebrate James' birthday, happy to have cupcakes, happy to play games.  But they also like remembering their little brother.  Merry is adamant, "He's not dead, he's just alive in Heaven instead of here."  I love her child like faith and simple reasoning.  It is a good reminder for me that while a sad goodbye it is a temporary one.  Two years have almost passed and the day we will be reunited is getting closer.

Then our party will be elaborate and we shall celebrate not this life but the eternal one.

Today is a good day

Life can be good.  I hear my daughters playing nicely together (sure they are suppose to be cleaning their room but...)  We have had dinner as a family almost every night this week.

I miss my son, I miss my dad, but I am so grateful for the people I do have here with me.  I love my daughter so much.  I love watching them grow and learn.  I love my husband, I love how he has grown in our ten years of marriage, I love that he is finally out of school.

I love my mom, she is AMAZING.  I love my sibling, nieces, nephews, in-laws, uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins.  Right now I feel so grateful for all the people in my life who have supported me during the last few years.

Little things, like eating dinner as a family seem so big right now.  I want to hold on to these memories. I keep reminding myself that it is OK to enjoy life.  You can still smile while you miss people.  I think I was scared to care so much, scared to actually love.  Scared to hurt again.

I don't ever want to relive these last few years.  But God is faithful and He will continue to be faithful.  (sometimes I need to just say it out loud and remind myself it is true.)  I pray that when hard times come they will not be as hard of times and that I will remain faithful too.

Back to being "Mom"

The past two and a half years have moved so slow and so fast.  It has been 22 months since James died.  Life seems so different now.  It is hard to remember why I made some of the decisions I made in the month following his death.  At the time I didn't feel, or maybe I felt too much, like I needed to make certain decisions.

Going back to work was because of how I felt not because I wanted to work or needed to work.  I simply felt like work would be good.  At the time being a mom was so hard.  Being a human was hard. Tucking my kids into bed at night was such a chore.  It wasn't that I didn't like doing it, it was that James wouldn't be a part of it.  It took me a little bit to realize how hard it was on my kids to have a teary eyed mother who wasn't able to be "mom."

That was when I went back to working part time.  I was able to not be "mom."  I was able to interact with people who didn't know what I had been through.  I was able to serve ice cream with a smile.  I was able to get out of the apartment and away from everything that reminded  me of James.

Jon needed the opposite.   He needed to be "dad."  He needed to see that he could be "dad."  Me working meant he had to be home and to be focused on his daughters.

But now life has changed.  I am able to be "mom" without constant tears.  I am able to remember James without being sick with grief.  Jon and I are able to be home together (before he was a student as well as working part time.)  It is hard when people ask what I'm going to do now that I'm quitting.  I can't help but remember the pain I had gone to work to avoid, the heartache I didn't want my kids constantly seeing.

I am able to quit the part time job because I am able to focus on my full time job, parenting.  The timing may be because of my husbands job but the reason isn't.  Still it is hard to say, "I was only working to avoid the constant sadness I felt as a mother who lost a child when I was around my other children.  Now that I am able to deal with those emotions I feel my kids need a full time mom."  Some thing are a whole lot easier to voice on line.

Fears

People tell you to face your fears.  Somehow facing fears is suppose to make them go away.  Christians will tell you to give your fears to God.  After all He has not given us a spirit of fear but of hope.  But what of fears that have been faced, fears that you trust God through, fears that remain.

After James passed away I started having night mares. Dreaming that something had happened to my other children and/or to my husband.  I was never there when it happened and I was never able to help. I would wake up not scared but sad.

I have lots of irrational fears, toaster won't burst into flames if you leave them plugged in.  But this fear doesn't feel irrational.  Everyday you hear of accidents, people getting hurt.  At the same time I can't keep my family safely hidden away in a bubble.

So I face my fear.  Last week my daughters went to visit their Aunt Mel.  I knew it would be fun for them.  I knew Mel would take good care of them.  I knew I wanted to go too, but had to work.  I wanted to say, "NO."  It was too far away, I would have no control, if anything happened I would have to hear about it over the phone.  All my nightmares started re-popping up in my head.  All the things that could happen.

While they were gone I spent a lot of time praying, and I spent a lot of time distracting myself shopping.  When they got home, safe and sound, I felt relieved and happy.  But later that week, Merry went to Grandma's house while Charry stayed with me.

Even though I knew Merry would have more fun with Grandma and that Grandma was great at keeping kids safe, still I hesitated.  My fear is still there.  I guess some fears are overcome by not letting them change your actions, by trusting God that even if what you fear happens He will see you through. I would rather the fear simply disappear and the night mares forgotten.

not a laughing matter

My Dad past away a few month ago, it's weird but I'm not sure how long exactly.  Right now time is measured by James' death and I don't want to remember the two together so my dad doesn't get time, for now.

Anyways, my family, sister and I especially but the others also, tend to treat dad's sickness and death with humor.  We'll make jokes about it and laugh about things other around us don't.  Someone told us we were being mean because, even if we are joking, we make those around us feel bad.  She was probably right.  It probably is mean of us.  But my dad was a joker.  There were things growing up that were inappropriate unless they were funny.  If it was funny you could make an exception for it.  So when I think of My Dad I want to remember even the saddest moments with humor.

People talk about being "sick with grief' and I always thought it was just a figure of speech until I experienced it.  Now I feel as though I have cried enough for this life time, I have been sad enough.  From now on when bad things happen I don't want to cry I want to just keep going.  I can handle "uncomfortable" much better than "sad."

graduation 2012

My husband graduated , finally.  After deciding to go back to school in 2004 we are finally closing that chapter of our life.  It is hard to explain to people just how unreal this feels to me, even to people who know about the last two years and how hard they have been on us.  I didn't think he could do it.

Just over two years ago when we found out about my dad's cancer, Jon and I sat down and talked seriously about him taking at least a year off and working full time to help my parents with bills.  When it was decided that my brother would move in next door and help instead there was a mix of relief and disappointment.  I wanted to help but with baby on the way I wasn't sure I could.

After James passed away Jon seemed so lost.  He couldn't focus on school, he couldn't focus on work, he didn't seem very focused on family.  And I wasn't able to focus on him.  Being a mother is much easier than being a wife.

Looking back at his school it is six long year of self made problems and one even longer year of problem we had no control over.  His first years of school we will remember as when Charry didn't know he lived with us.  He was working swing and taking day classes.  Often she was sleeping when he got home and still sleeping when he left.  The middle years will be remembered by the internships he didn't get, those promised that lost funding.  And the last years will be remembered for the sorrow, loosing something so precious yet having to keep going without it.

We've had our good times too, we've made sure to have family time so the girls know their daddy.  And the summer is starting out on a good note, he has an internship lined up ready to start next week.  Still when I see his diploma I can't help but remember last year when everything was so hopeless and I wasn't sure if he would keep going to school.

Do I believe in Miracles?

Two weeks ago my dad passed away.  He had been fighting cancer for the last two years.  My grief feels very selfish.  You see for me Dads cancer and my son have been linked since the beginning.  When we found out about the brain tumor I was three months pregnant and had one of those i-pod apps that told you how the baby was developing and how big the baby would be at that week in pregnancy.  So when the doctor described the size of the tumor it was something familiar to me, the same size as my son.  When she told us dad would probably only last six months I knew with out counting when that would be, it was my due date.

I remember crying out to the Lord for my dad, that he would meet grandson.  It was an emotional pregnancy, life was a bit crazy as we tried to help Mom and Dad with their life changes, my dad's new disability and all the treatments.  I prayed for a miracle, for healing, for a health Granddad.

When my son was born I saw my miracle.  Dad was not healed but he was still there.  He was able to come to the hospital and to hold James.  I was so happy, so relieved.  It was the miracle I had prayed so hard for.

A week later my son was gone.  There was no healing.  There was no relief. There was no miracle.

When my dad started to get worse instead of better I prayed so hard for a miracle.  My son was gone, couldn't I at least keep my dad.  But that isn't how this world works.  We can't make bargains with God.  My son was not mine to keep or to give up and neither was my dad.

I don't understand.  Life doesn't make sense.  This world is so broken, so full of sin and the destruction that comes with sin.  In my head and in my heart I know that both Dad and James have received complete healing.  I know that the miracle I prayed for was temporary but the miracle we have been given is eternal.  But right now I miss them, I wish they were here.  I pray for the day we will rejoice as the whole world receives healing and sin and death are finally no more.

Easter Morning 2012

I bought my daughters Easter dresses that had matching doll dresses with them because I wanted them to remember Easter as special.  I don't want them to look back at all the holidays as when Mom got moody and cried at church.  But that is how I will remember the Holidays at least this year and last year.

This year I am also wrestling with mixed emotions as my father is dying of cancer.  It seem this month things have gotten worse quickly and time is getting short.  As a Christian I have hope, I will see him again, he will have a new perfect body, his pain will be gone.  As a daughter I have grief, I will miss him, who will I go to for advice, my dad is the smartest man I've ever know, who will tell me when I am acting stupid.  I'm sure there are many out there willing to take over telling me when I'm doing something dumb but it won't be the same.

No one wants to see someone they love in pain, we all pray for healing and mercy, but while we wait for those prayers to be answered it is so hard.

Easter

Tomorrow is Easter.  I use to love Easter.  It came at the beginning of spring and brought hope and life.  I always was amazed at the power of God and his work all in one weekend.

Today I don't feel as happy and joyous over the hope and life.  Today I wonder why this work which was suppose to be finished so long ago seems to be dragging on.  Today the grave seems victorious and the sting of death seems painful.

 I wonder if the day will come when like the women visiting the tomb my sorrow will turn to joy and everything that is wrong in this world will suddenly be made right.  I eagerly await the day Christ will return and we will all go to the new heaven and new earth.  We will all have new bodies and finally the sting of death will be no more.  I pray that day comes soon.

March 26, 2012

It has been a long week.  We had a big family picture with everyone.  To me there was still someone missing but I know soon more will be missing and you can't forever be dwelling on those who are gone.  Still it is a little hard to take family photos.  It's also hard when the girls draw pictures of the family, they often include James "even though he is in Heaven."  Of course they also draw themselves as two people because "daddy says they are enough trouble to be two kids."  I know at some point their pictures will stop including him, and that it is normal, I will be sad when that day comes.

I also got to see a glimpse of how different my life would be with him. A toddler came to visit and I was amazed how un-baby proof my home had become.  I'm so used to my big girls I didn't think about all the books just waiting to be pulled off the shelves or the lamp ready to topple.  So many little ways children change your life, so many ways he's missing from mine.

By the end of the week I had worked a few long nights and was exhausted.  All I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and wait for the world to go away.   Somehow the world keeps spinning wether you want it to or not and eventually you have to get up and face it.  At least I got a little rest and new strength to get through another week, I hope it is an easier one.

February 29, 2012

This week has been a long one.  My daughters took turns being sick and we stayed home more than usual.

This weekend we were driving an old highway talking about the trees and houses we were passing.  When we passed a cemetery my older daughter asked, "What is that?"

Well I briefly explained that people were special, even after someone has died their body was still treated special and a cemetery was a place to bury someone who had died.  We talked about how they were kept nice so you could be happy if you went there to remember someone buried there.

Then she asked, "Where is James buried?"  I suppose I should have been prepared for the question, but I wasn't.

We chose cremation so he isn't buried anywhere.  And there was no place that had meaning for us to spread his ashes.  Instead we have an angel shaped urn that sits next to his picture on a shelf.  I wasn't sure how much to explain to my girls.  I try to answer their questions and let them know that asking questions is good.

Driving on an unfamiliar road blinking back the tears what I wanted to do was turn up the radio, but I didn't.  We had a short talk and the girls seemed satisfied with my answers.  When we got home Charry went to see where James was.

Talking about him seems to have reminded her of him.  She has worn her locket, with his picture inside,  every day since.

It has reminded me too.  I remember the respect given by the nurses after he died.  They were still gentle with his body.  I remember how weird it was leaving "him" even though I knew he had already left.

There are changes coming soon, changes I know will bring heartache.  Heartache that will make me wonder about my son up in Heaven.

January 24, 2012

This winter has seemed long.  Full of celebrations and stress.  Every thing seems to be coming to an end and a new season, Spring, is coming.  I wonder if every year will have these ups and downs, joys and sorrows.

At times I wonder if I will ever just be happy again.  Right now it seems like when I see joy it reminds me of my sadness. Even though I want to smile and focus on the good things God can do, I find my eyes wanting to cry.

There is a new nephew in my family.  A cute little guy with big eyes and chubby cheeks.  His dedication service was last Sunday.  It was a great time.  There is something awesome about watching a family give their child over to God.  Knowing how serious they are in wanting that child to grow and learn about the Lord always encourages me in the training of my own kids.

This time was a little different though.  The scripture read was the same passage read at James' funeral and instead of thinking about the children I was raising I found myself thinking about the child who was already serving in heaven.  Instead of me showing him who God is someday I hope he will be the one to introduce me to our Savior.