Dreaming of Terrible Two's

We are planning a "party" for tomorrow.  Some thing simple, decorate cupcakes and play video games.  Just our small little family.  We're taking the day off school but Jon still has to work, so it will just be for the evening.  I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm sad, I want to cry, I want to sit by myself and wail about how unfair life is, how cruel the world is.

I'm happy, I want to remember my son,  remember holding him, remember how it felt to have him.

I'm curious, two years old what would he have been like, would he have been a trouble maker, a fighter, a cuddler?

I'm tired, it has been a long year.  I can't believe two years have gone by already.  Life keeps changing. At times I just want it to slow down, to let me catch up.

I am blessed to have my daughters, they keep life from passing me by.  They are happy to celebrate James' birthday, happy to have cupcakes, happy to play games.  But they also like remembering their little brother.  Merry is adamant, "He's not dead, he's just alive in Heaven instead of here."  I love her child like faith and simple reasoning.  It is a good reminder for me that while a sad goodbye it is a temporary one.  Two years have almost passed and the day we will be reunited is getting closer.

Then our party will be elaborate and we shall celebrate not this life but the eternal one.