Celebrating James' birthday last week was hard. But it was the melancholy happy sad that makes you want to smile as you cry. I have such good memories of the day he was born. I loved holding him close and laughing at his cute ears.
Today is the two year anniversary of his death. There is nothing to celebrate, no happy memories, no reasons to smile. Instead I want to cry, to wail, to shout how unfair life is. How hard it is to still be dealing with this pain.
The grief I feel is mine alone. I don't want to share it. I don't want my daughters to remember the pain that came after their brother died. I want them to remember the special little brother that they barely met. So on his birthday we celebrated but today I cry alone.
I am so thankful for the people around me who give love and support, it is nice to know I am not completely alone.
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