Fears

People tell you to face your fears.  Somehow facing fears is suppose to make them go away.  Christians will tell you to give your fears to God.  After all He has not given us a spirit of fear but of hope.  But what of fears that have been faced, fears that you trust God through, fears that remain.

After James passed away I started having night mares. Dreaming that something had happened to my other children and/or to my husband.  I was never there when it happened and I was never able to help. I would wake up not scared but sad.

I have lots of irrational fears, toaster won't burst into flames if you leave them plugged in.  But this fear doesn't feel irrational.  Everyday you hear of accidents, people getting hurt.  At the same time I can't keep my family safely hidden away in a bubble.

So I face my fear.  Last week my daughters went to visit their Aunt Mel.  I knew it would be fun for them.  I knew Mel would take good care of them.  I knew I wanted to go too, but had to work.  I wanted to say, "NO."  It was too far away, I would have no control, if anything happened I would have to hear about it over the phone.  All my nightmares started re-popping up in my head.  All the things that could happen.

While they were gone I spent a lot of time praying, and I spent a lot of time distracting myself shopping.  When they got home, safe and sound, I felt relieved and happy.  But later that week, Merry went to Grandma's house while Charry stayed with me.

Even though I knew Merry would have more fun with Grandma and that Grandma was great at keeping kids safe, still I hesitated.  My fear is still there.  I guess some fears are overcome by not letting them change your actions, by trusting God that even if what you fear happens He will see you through. I would rather the fear simply disappear and the night mares forgotten.