Christmas is coming

Merry Christmas  little James,

You are still missed every day.  You are still loved by those who you left behind.  I still wonder how different my life would be if you were here.  This year your dad and I did something new.  We bought presents for a little boy in remembrance of you.  I don't know who will receive it but I hope they like it.

I wonder if you would have liked the gifts.  We included blocks and board books.  As well as a ball and stuffed animal.  Those are what most four year olds like, I think.  It is hard to think of you as anything other that a baby. 

It is strange to think you have been gone so long, four years already.  It seems like only yesterday I was holding you, saying goodbye. I do not know what eternal life looks like, if you know the changing seasons and what we on Earth are doing.  We are getting ready to celebrate another baby boy who was born, loved, and died.  This baby was special because his death is what gives me the hope of seeing you again.

He did not stay dead but conquered death so that we might have eternal life.  Eternal life how wonderful that sounds.  That is the life you now live, and I long to be a part of it.

Christmas is a time for family, without you our family is incomplete.

What a silly letter to send a child,

Your Mom (who will always love you)

A day off life

Yesterday I gave myself a day off.  I spent the entire day curled up in bed, half asleep.  I had a headache, I felt emotional, I didn't want to deal with anything.  So I stayed in my room, and was left alone.

But I didn't do it because I was giving up.  I knew it was only for a day.  It was a temporary break, so I could face the rest of the week.  I'm thankful for my husband who may not understand but allows me to hide away when I need to.  I am thankful for my daughters who deffinatly don't understand but will listen and obey.

Today I feel better.  Today I got out of bed.  I still had a headache, I still felt emotional, I still wanted to be away.  But I went to church, I smiled at people, I made dinner.  I even help with yard work rather than make excuses.  Because yesterday was my day off and it was only for one day.

It's coming

James' birthday is just a few days away.  I feel the sad anticipation as we prepare to celebrate a brief happy moment.  I already am feeling nervous about how public to make my grief.

Whether to post on Facebook, or take a picture for Instagram.  Do I let people know at dance class why I am sitting in a corner crying.  

In some ways I want to share, he was so special, so loved, so remember. In some ways I want to stay silent, he was so little, so mine.

It was all so quick. One short week in October, four years ago.  That was all the time we had, but it was time filled with loved and joy as we got to meet our son.

A headache

Today my head hurts.  It's the all I want to do is cry, why am I awake type of headache that I tend to get from stress.

The reason for my stress seems silly; today would be James' first day of AWANA.  I don't want to help this year.  I don't want to see all the little ones his age.  I don't want to know what I'm missing.

An off week

This week felt hard.  It was hard to get up in the morning, hard to do the things that needed done, hard to go to bed.  Just plain hard.

I sometimes worry that I have too many triggers, too many things that will send me into a slump.

This week I had at least three things make me on edge, where I get headaches and cry easily.  Two were church families we were praying for (both of whom are doing fine now.) The third was starting school and acknowledging autumn.  The entire season is rather depressing for me.  I had hoped starting school early would make it less fall-ish.

But instead I spent the weekend crying and locked away from the rest of the world.  Tears felt good and time alone felt refreshing.

Still I wonder why does the pain feel so fresh still.  Why does hurt take so long to heal?  

Looking to tomorrow

Lately life has been good.  Jon has a job.  Girls finished the school year ahead of schedule.  Bills are being paid.  My family is all healthy.  I praise God for His grace!

I also find myself stressed for no reason.  There is nothing big to keep me up at night yet there are times I can't sleep.  I keep expecting trouble, trials, sadness.

We are starting to plan for the future again.  Instead of just getting through the week or month, we are looking forward a year or even five years.  I know our plans aren't set in stone.  We just want to prepare for life ahead.  Part of me still feels scared to look beyond today.

Life can change so suddenly.  Plans can fall apart so quickly.  Dreams can turn to nightmares.

So I take a deep breath and remember, God is in control.  His plan doesn't end with this earth.  And His plans never fall apart.

On this earth our time is short, whether it's a week or a hundred years, compared to the eternity God has planned for us.

The Holy Spirit

When people talk about the Holy Spirit they tend to focus on one aspect. It may be His calling or His comforting, it seems to differ from person to person which aspect they think is the most important, or at least which they think of first.

As I sat in Sunday School today I heard one man, who didn't hear the gospel until he was almost an adult, share the Holy Spirit's conviction on unbelievers.  To him that was the main job for the Holy Spirit.  A retired pastor shared how the Holy Spirit leads.  His calling to ministry was when he felt the Holy Spirit most strongly.

For me, I think of Romans 8:26, "we do not know what we ought to pray but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us."  

When I was at the hospital and the nurse came out to tell me how the surgery was going and that my son had been resuscitated, I didn't know what to pray.  I wanted a miracle, I wanted to pray for my son to be ok.  But I knew miracles come in all different shapes and sized.  I knew God allowed pain and death.  

So I prayed for the Spirit to intercede.  That if I needed strength He would provide it.  If comfort, then He would comfort.  And that God would be with my son, that He would give my tiny baby everything that he needed.  I didn't know how the night would end, or how to pray accordingly but I trusted the Holy Spirit knew.

My son has had a lasting affect on me.  That one short week has made a huge difference in how I view the world and God. 

Feeling philosophical

There are times in life when everything changes.  It doesn't get better or worse, just different.  Some of those time are good; marriage, graduation, or birth of a child.  Some are bad; loss of a loved one, bankruptcy, chronic illness.

But whether the event itself is good or bad doesn't make the life to follow good or bad.  It is still just life.  

Remembering life from before we tend to focus all on the good but there was bad too.  Thinking of life now it is easy to look only at the bad but really it is good too.  The lives are just different.  Not even comparable.

There are so many irreversible moment in life.  Today I miss my dad.  He was such a huge influence on my life.  Life now is different, not better, not worse, just different.

spring

There are days I don't miss my son.  Not having a preschooler to entertain, or keep track of.  My girls are old enough I don't have to worry about them.  And they are way past potty training.  I'm not sad to have missed out on that stage.

Then I feel guilty.  I would have hated potty training but I would have been so proud of him when it was over.  It would be work to keep him busy but I would have loved watching him learn. 

It is hard to be glad that I'm past the "little" kids stage when I know I am missing out on my littlest one.  But also want to be glad as my older two grow.  I want to enjoy them getting older with out constant regret.

I cannot be sad that my son is in heaven.  I cannot regret holding him for that short while.  His life was precious but his eternal life is even more precious!

So is it ok to wish I was with him, to hope for eternity, rather than wishing he was with me?

Where I am and how I got here

I was little.  Then I grew up.  Life was hard.  Then things became bad.  I was sad, so very sad.  I forgot about living.  Then I woke up.  I realized I had been missing out on life.  I decided to start living again.  

It has been hard to pick up the pieces.  There are days I want to forget again, to care less.  But when I realize how much I had been missing, I don't want to miss out on anything else.

While I was sad I was never quite awake. It wasn't that I didn't care so much as I couldn't care.  Now that I am awake I have that choice again.  Choosing to care was hard.  Part of me wanted to go back to sleep and continue to ignore everything around me.  

I am glad I woke up.  Glad I started living again.  Glad I'm not missing out on life.  I still have a long ways to go.  I find new pieces of life that had been forgotten and I have to figure out how they fit.  Being awake enough to figure it out is nice.