This morning as I got out my Bible to read my heart felt heavy. Life was not going as I want it to. I don't understand why. There are things that have happened, chooses I have made that I know where the right thing to do. yet I feel like I'm being punished for them. It reminded me of when I found out I was expecting James.
I cried, I was not over joyed but I had peace that this was part of God's plan for us. I knew that this baby was a blessing. Then when he was a week old James went to be with God, he was taken from us. Part of me can't help but wonder what did I do wrong, why did I deserve that.
That was what was on my heart and mind as I read Lamentations 3:20-23 "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning." (NIV)
So I praise God for His faithfulness and pray that morning will come when I can see His mercies.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Frustration
Last week was long, I feel exhausted. Now it looks like we will have a few more long months ahead of us.
Some how when I try to pray and ask God for help, I think of my son. Even when my prayers are for something small, like looking for lost keys, I remember how hard it was to pray for what I really wanted.
I find myself going back to the same prayer of "please let Your will be done, but please let it not be this." I don't want to go through trials or face hard times. I want to keep healing, not face life just yet.
When I pray I can't beg God to do anything for me, because he has done so much. Knowing how great His sacrifice was for me, how much He loves me, what else can I do but trust Him and pray for the patience to wait on Him.
So I struggle with prayer, with what I want and what I need, with knowing God is in control but that doesn't mean everything will be grand on this earth. I pray for peace, for understanding, and for life to go as God sees fit. And I try to remember that God hears my prayers even when He has to answer them, "no".
Some how when I try to pray and ask God for help, I think of my son. Even when my prayers are for something small, like looking for lost keys, I remember how hard it was to pray for what I really wanted.
I find myself going back to the same prayer of "please let Your will be done, but please let it not be this." I don't want to go through trials or face hard times. I want to keep healing, not face life just yet.
When I pray I can't beg God to do anything for me, because he has done so much. Knowing how great His sacrifice was for me, how much He loves me, what else can I do but trust Him and pray for the patience to wait on Him.
So I struggle with prayer, with what I want and what I need, with knowing God is in control but that doesn't mean everything will be grand on this earth. I pray for peace, for understanding, and for life to go as God sees fit. And I try to remember that God hears my prayers even when He has to answer them, "no".
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
a day I don't want to remember
Celebrating James' birthday last week was hard. But it was the melancholy happy sad that makes you want to smile as you cry. I have such good memories of the day he was born. I loved holding him close and laughing at his cute ears.
Today is the two year anniversary of his death. There is nothing to celebrate, no happy memories, no reasons to smile. Instead I want to cry, to wail, to shout how unfair life is. How hard it is to still be dealing with this pain.
The grief I feel is mine alone. I don't want to share it. I don't want my daughters to remember the pain that came after their brother died. I want them to remember the special little brother that they barely met. So on his birthday we celebrated but today I cry alone.
I am so thankful for the people around me who give love and support, it is nice to know I am not completely alone.
Today is the two year anniversary of his death. There is nothing to celebrate, no happy memories, no reasons to smile. Instead I want to cry, to wail, to shout how unfair life is. How hard it is to still be dealing with this pain.
The grief I feel is mine alone. I don't want to share it. I don't want my daughters to remember the pain that came after their brother died. I want them to remember the special little brother that they barely met. So on his birthday we celebrated but today I cry alone.
I am so thankful for the people around me who give love and support, it is nice to know I am not completely alone.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Dreaming of Terrible Two's
We are planning a "party" for tomorrow. Some thing simple, decorate cupcakes and play video games. Just our small little family. We're taking the day off school but Jon still has to work, so it will just be for the evening. I'm not sure how I feel.
I'm sad, I want to cry, I want to sit by myself and wail about how unfair life is, how cruel the world is.
I'm happy, I want to remember my son, remember holding him, remember how it felt to have him.
I'm curious, two years old what would he have been like, would he have been a trouble maker, a fighter, a cuddler?
I'm tired, it has been a long year. I can't believe two years have gone by already. Life keeps changing. At times I just want it to slow down, to let me catch up.
I am blessed to have my daughters, they keep life from passing me by. They are happy to celebrate James' birthday, happy to have cupcakes, happy to play games. But they also like remembering their little brother. Merry is adamant, "He's not dead, he's just alive in Heaven instead of here." I love her child like faith and simple reasoning. It is a good reminder for me that while a sad goodbye it is a temporary one. Two years have almost passed and the day we will be reunited is getting closer.
Then our party will be elaborate and we shall celebrate not this life but the eternal one.
I'm sad, I want to cry, I want to sit by myself and wail about how unfair life is, how cruel the world is.
I'm happy, I want to remember my son, remember holding him, remember how it felt to have him.
I'm curious, two years old what would he have been like, would he have been a trouble maker, a fighter, a cuddler?
I'm tired, it has been a long year. I can't believe two years have gone by already. Life keeps changing. At times I just want it to slow down, to let me catch up.
I am blessed to have my daughters, they keep life from passing me by. They are happy to celebrate James' birthday, happy to have cupcakes, happy to play games. But they also like remembering their little brother. Merry is adamant, "He's not dead, he's just alive in Heaven instead of here." I love her child like faith and simple reasoning. It is a good reminder for me that while a sad goodbye it is a temporary one. Two years have almost passed and the day we will be reunited is getting closer.
Then our party will be elaborate and we shall celebrate not this life but the eternal one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)