Today is James' first birthday. We had to celebrate without him. I wanted to keep things small and simple. I wanted to remember him but not to be pitied. There is nothing worst than having people ask, "How are you?" while looking at you like they expect you to burst into tears. I suppose no one knows how they would deal with a situation until they are in it. And everyone deals differently.
I appreciated the phone call from a friend who understood not only what I was going thru but also that feeling and emotions are not predictable. I appreciated all the close family praying for us but also grieving on their own for the grandson or nephew that they lost. He was so small yet his life has affected so many. It made me smile to hear my nephews had wished him a happy birthday in their prayers.
I didn't want my daughter to feel like they had to be sad but I hope I didn't make them feel like they had to be happy either. It was a nice quiet day. I spent it with a few tears right behind my eyes and a small lump in the back of my throat.
Now I feel so tired, drained, maybe I was trying too hard.
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