Last weekend I had so many memories from "one year ago" that were so prescious to me. Memories that brought a smile to my face and filled my heart with joy. I could remember the first signs of labor. I could remember the first time I held my son. I could remember showing him off to everyone who visited. I remembered my Dad being able to come to the hospital and hold James.
This week I remember watching Jon clean the crib for my early child. I remembered the night I went over the AWANA verses with my baby in my arms. Happy memories.
But this weekend the memories are not happy. "One year ago" was not a time of meeting and joy but a time of goodbye and sorrow. I remember how helpless I felt as he cried. I remember how scared I felt when he wouldn't really wake up. I remember the doctor's face as he said, "Your little boy is very sick." I remember the panic in the ER nurse's voice when she said, "the paper work can wait we need the mother back here now." I remember watching as the helicopter took him away. I remember the wires hooked up to him after surgery and the nurse who was manually pumping air into his lungs. I remember seeing the ultrasound as it showed bleeding in his brain.
I remember saying goodbye and holding him for the last time. Now a year later my arms feel so empty. I miss him so much. I love my son and never want to forget him but today remembering is so hard.
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