October 16, 2011

Last weekend I had so many memories from "one year ago" that were so prescious to me.  Memories that brought a smile to my face and filled my heart with joy.  I could remember the first signs of labor.  I could remember the first time I held my son.  I could remember showing him off to everyone who visited.  I remembered my Dad being able to come to the hospital and hold James.

This week I remember watching Jon clean the crib for my early child.   I remembered the night I went over the AWANA verses with my baby in my arms.  Happy memories.

But this weekend the memories are not happy.  "One year ago" was not a time of meeting and joy but a time of goodbye and sorrow.  I remember how helpless I felt as he cried.  I remember how scared I felt when he wouldn't really wake up.  I remember the doctor's face as he said, "Your little boy is very sick."  I remember the panic in the ER nurse's voice when she said, "the paper work can wait we need the mother back here now."  I remember watching as the helicopter took him away.  I remember  the wires hooked up to him after surgery and the nurse who was manually pumping air into his lungs.  I remember seeing the ultrasound as it showed bleeding in his brain.

I remember saying goodbye and holding him for the last time.  Now a year later my arms feel so empty.  I miss him so much.  I love my son and never want to forget him but today remembering is so hard.

October 9, 2011

Today is James' first birthday.   We had to celebrate without him.  I wanted to keep things small and simple.  I wanted to remember him but not to be pitied.  There is nothing worst than having people ask, "How are you?" while looking at you like they expect you to burst into tears.  I suppose no one knows how they would deal with a situation until they are in it.  And everyone deals differently.

I appreciated the phone call from a friend who understood not only what I was going thru but also that feeling and emotions are not predictable.  I appreciated all the close family praying for us but also grieving on their own for the grandson or nephew that they lost.  He was so small yet his life has affected so many.  It made me smile to hear my nephews had wished him a happy birthday in their prayers.

I didn't want my daughter to feel like they had to be sad but I hope I didn't make them feel like they had to be happy either.  It was a nice quiet day.  I spent it with a few tears right behind my eyes and a small lump in the back of my throat.

Now I feel so tired, drained, maybe I was trying too hard.

Oct 3, 2011

It's October already.  The year went by so fast and yet so slow.  I'm trying not to remember or look back until next week.  Thats when I have time off work and it won't matter if my eyes are red or if I decide to take a nap in the middle of the day.  This week I'm keeping busy, keeping distracted.

How do you remember a birthday of someone who isn't here.  How do you celebrate.  My daughters will be watching everything I do.  They will be wanting to know why.  What can I tell them when I'm not sure.  I want them to know not only is Baby James still very important to us but so are they.  I will never forget any of my children.  I want them to know we can be happy he was born.  He was a gift from God , one I would have liked to keep longer.

Heaven feels so far away right now.