Life is for the living

I'm not going to lie, this has been a long hard week.  Memories felt fresh, pain felt strong. I ended up worn out and managed to make myself sick.

While on my own at night I watched a Korean Drama, they are my secret pleasure.  I usually pick ones that are light hearted comedies.  But this one I chose because of its sad story line.  Long story short (and Korean dramas tend to be long) the main character miscarries.  I wanted a reason to cry that wasn't my own.  I wanted to be sad but not about anything real.  So I watched and I cried.

Later in the episode another character offers comfort by saying, "being sad won't help the dead, it only makes those still alive suffer."  In many ways that is how I have treated my grief.  I tend to keep it to myself because I don't want those around me to feel burdened by it.  I want my daughters to be happy they had a brother, not to feel like they have to be sad.  I want to enjoy the time I spend with friends and family even on days I am in a funk.

My family has always dealt with life through humor so it seems fitting that we deal with death the same way.  Still I look forward to the new life without death, without sadness, without pain and for the days to come when I will be able to share all my emotions with those around me because they will all be joyful.

Saying goodbye

It's that time of year again.  I want to cry and wail and get mad at life.  I want tomorrow to never come , for that day to have never existed.

It is hard enough to remember the joy of having a son, why must I also remember the pain of losing him.  

Turning three

Birthdays are time to celebrate another year together, another year of accomplishments.  They are a time to look forward at the year to come.  We laugh about what could be coming, potty training or talking back.  As toddlers become preschoolers you have to rearrange bedrooms and find new things to keep them occupied.

But this birthday is different.  There is no together, no year to come, no times remembered.  It is becoming just a memory of something from long ago.  Something I don't want to let go of but I don't know how to hold on.

James will always be a part of our family. The girls will always have had a little brother.  It seems fitting to remember him on his birthday.  To remember the part of our family that is no longer with is.

Yet it is harder this year.  Jon is out of town and I'm feeling lost and alone.  I'm not sure how to remember without sorrow.  How to celebrate the life without mourning the death.  

So I made cupcakes, cried into my pillow and looked through James' photo album.  My little boy, a joy to hold, I look forward to the eternity we will be able to celebrate in paradise.