September 22, 2011

It is getting closer to the one year mark and I find myself at a loss for how I should be feeling.  I want to be happy that I had a son, I want to feel blessed that I held him close for a whole week, I want to remember him and how he changed our lives.  But I don't.  I feel empty, like I've forgotten something important.  The whole thing seems almost unreal.

This week we were celebrating my oldest daughters birthday and teasing her that she should be buying me the present because I did all the work.  Then it hit me I will never tease my son, his birthday will always be bitter sweet.  I wonder how to best remember him.  I want my daughters to know that they have a brother in heaven and he will never disappear.

I also want them to know they will never be forgotten or disappear.  Right now there is added stress of my dad being sick, a friend who died and my daughters having lots of questions.  I find myself just thinking and praying a lot.

I was remembering the movie AI, at the end he has one last day with his "mom" and it is just a normal day.  So often people want to do something big, have a list of "we should of"s, but one more normal day would seem so nice right now.   I've been thinking of my week with my son.  It wasn't anything special just a normal week and I am so blessed to have had it.

The world is full of could have beens.  Most are all the ways things could have been better but I choose to think of how I was blessed, the trials I never had to go threw. I got to be with James the whole time, never had to leave his side except for his helicopter ride.  For one week life got to be normal.  The night I spent reading books to the girls while he slept in my arms is a memory to treasure.  I thank God for giving us that time.