January 1st, 2011

At the start of the new year people always look back at the year gone by. They list the good memories, those they would rather forget, the funny things that happened, and what they will remember most. When the year is full of such pain and heart break the only thing that would be worse than looking back is forgetting. I never want to forget how I felt when I held my son for the first time or for the last. The two memories are so close together that to try and forget one I would have to try and forget both.

The other day I remembered praying when I was just a little girl, nine maybe, that I could see Heaven in my dreams. I remember so vividly asking God, "even if I don't remember in the morning, it must be so wonderful that I would always be happy to have even glanced at it." Strange, now I want to know for just an instance that James is indeed happy and Heaven is in fact as wonderful for him as I had imagined. I wonder if he will know me when I go there too. Will I be "mom"? Jesus' word on the cross to John were for His earthly mom, so a mother must be important, right?