Jan. 29, 2011

There are times I expect to be reminded of my loss. Times I know will be hard for me to get thru. And there are times that take me off guard. Today felt melancholy and a little scary, but I didn't understand why. I had a meeting to go to for my scrapbook consulting business, but I go to one every 3 months or so. I didn't realize what was making me anxious about this meeting until I got there. As we sat down and did introductions I trying not to stare across the table at the lady who had brought her baby with her. Then I remembered the previous meeting just a month before James was born and the other pregnant gal there.

At the time I had thought she and I would be able to sympathize with each other about how hard it was to stay on top of even a small business when you had such a big time taker. I had wondered, with our due dates being so close, which of us would deliver first. I had left looking forward to the next meeting and to showing off my little one. But my life was so different than I had expected. My happy expectations only served to remind me of my unhappy reality.

I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see these people who didn't know my pain, I didn't want anyone to ask, I didn't want no one to remember, I didn't want a reminder of what I am missing.

I try so hard to never think of the what ifs because what if will never be but today was hard when I saw the one if sitting right across from me.