Nov 23rd

It's been one month since the funeral, and this week seemed extra hard on me. On Saturday the Hospital birth certificate came with his little foot prints. All at once I wanted him back here with me. Memories of comparing my daughters feet with their footprint came flooding over me. His feet were still the same size when he died. There wasn't time for him to grow, for people to say, "wow he's getting so big."

Nov 11th

This week he would have been a month old. It feels strange to imagine him growing up. I wish I knew what heaven was like. Is he a baby still learning about that spiritual world slowly as he would have learned about this physical world. Or is he completely grown as Adam was in the Garden of Eden. I like to think he is grow and now understands how much I loved him and why he was placed on this earth for such a short time. I like to imagine him serving God right now, being able to offer praise for His love and mercy. Some day when I leave this earthly body behind I pray I will be able to see my son and show him my love once more. And even more than that I pray we will serve God together in heaven.

Nov 2nd

Yesterday someone asked me, "So where is your baby?" I couldn't answer so she continued, "Wasn't it you that was having the baby?" I guess my face said what my words couldn't because she then started mumbling, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

Of course she didn't mean any harm. She didn't really know me but had seen me around looking quite round just the month before. And after all everyone love to talk about how cute the new baby is. But she was the first.

Up until then I had dealt with sad hugs, "I'm sorry"s and "we're praying for you"s. But everyone had known already, I hadn't had to tell anyone. I couldn't. Even now I'm not sure what to say, how to explain, "He's gone to heaven." It sounds so empty. It feels so empty.