The new year

The new year is coming.  I use to look forward to staying up late and making resolutions.  A new start, a reason to make changes.

Now the new year already seems old, hope of change is over shadowed by knowledge that change isn't always good.  I find it hard to celebrate something that, as the years pass, seems more and more pointless.

I suppose I am in a funk.  Perhaps my resolution should be to look for the positives, to find joy in life.  Christmas was a good time this year, with few melancholy moments.  I was encouraged and didn't have to pretend to enjoy myself. 

Maybe it is because this year is ending on a positive that I don't want to start new.  I want things to keep going as they are.  No more changes. 

The mom I want to be

So I recently shared on my homeschooling blog about a new Christmas tradition I started this year. "Christmas Barbie" has a new activity to do each day, I set her up each morning so the girls can find her and figure out what we will be up to.

In the back of my head there is this little voice saying, "Are you serious?"  Do I really need to have something new everyday?  Isn't Barbie just adding to an already hectic holiday season? Am I just trying to compensate for something?

The answer is yes, I'm serious, the girls look forward to something new, it has made the season a bit more hectic, and I know I'm trying to compensate.

The thing is, even if this is the only year "Christmas Barbie" makes an appearance, she will be talked about and remembered. In the minds of my girls it will be something we "always use to do."

I want them to remember childhood as full of fun and excitement.  I want them to think of me as fun, crafty, and as someone who did things for them.  I worry that I will be the angry mom who's always crying.  I worry that they will remember when I was at my lowest.  So now that the lowest has past I want to help them make happy memories and having a new, some what over the top, tradition helps.