Things I don't want others to know

I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all the emotions and questions that came after my son died.  It has been a nice place for reflection and healing.  But last week I was struggling and didn't want to post it.

I've been having this strange dream and waking up feeling sad and helpless.  Part of me wanted to hold on to the pain.  The pain meant I still cared, he was still important and missed. Part if me wanted to move past the pain, stop dwelling on the hurt and allow God's healing.

It was strange how something as simple as a bad dream could throw my whole life off.  I couldn't sleep.  I was short tempered.  I got frustrated easily.  Dwelling on pain and hurt is not remembering.  Focusing on the fear I felt is not loving the son I miss.

Even though the dreams were a reminder that James is still important, dwelling on the hurt is not remembering with love.

The brightness of light

Yesterday I had a wonderful time talking to a dear friend.  In true old friend fashion we managed to talk about everything imaginable and then a few more.

Afterwards I started thinking about what was said and old times and life now.  So many changes have taken place in the last three years, some where painful and terrible but others where wonderful.

The painful ones come to mind quickly, they hurt even now.  The good changes tend to make me mad because they just emphasize how bad the others where.  

In the end though I have to be able to thank God for bringing me through the good time as well as the bad.  It is good to know that He doesn't abandon you after helping you through a trial.  Just because things seem better doesn't mean He lets you handle it your self.

And He knows what is coming so I don't have to worry.  Whether we come to good times or bad times He will be with us and I shall praise Him.