Back to being "Mom"

The past two and a half years have moved so slow and so fast.  It has been 22 months since James died.  Life seems so different now.  It is hard to remember why I made some of the decisions I made in the month following his death.  At the time I didn't feel, or maybe I felt too much, like I needed to make certain decisions.

Going back to work was because of how I felt not because I wanted to work or needed to work.  I simply felt like work would be good.  At the time being a mom was so hard.  Being a human was hard. Tucking my kids into bed at night was such a chore.  It wasn't that I didn't like doing it, it was that James wouldn't be a part of it.  It took me a little bit to realize how hard it was on my kids to have a teary eyed mother who wasn't able to be "mom."

That was when I went back to working part time.  I was able to not be "mom."  I was able to interact with people who didn't know what I had been through.  I was able to serve ice cream with a smile.  I was able to get out of the apartment and away from everything that reminded  me of James.

Jon needed the opposite.   He needed to be "dad."  He needed to see that he could be "dad."  Me working meant he had to be home and to be focused on his daughters.

But now life has changed.  I am able to be "mom" without constant tears.  I am able to remember James without being sick with grief.  Jon and I are able to be home together (before he was a student as well as working part time.)  It is hard when people ask what I'm going to do now that I'm quitting.  I can't help but remember the pain I had gone to work to avoid, the heartache I didn't want my kids constantly seeing.

I am able to quit the part time job because I am able to focus on my full time job, parenting.  The timing may be because of my husbands job but the reason isn't.  Still it is hard to say, "I was only working to avoid the constant sadness I felt as a mother who lost a child when I was around my other children.  Now that I am able to deal with those emotions I feel my kids need a full time mom."  Some thing are a whole lot easier to voice on line.

Fears

People tell you to face your fears.  Somehow facing fears is suppose to make them go away.  Christians will tell you to give your fears to God.  After all He has not given us a spirit of fear but of hope.  But what of fears that have been faced, fears that you trust God through, fears that remain.

After James passed away I started having night mares. Dreaming that something had happened to my other children and/or to my husband.  I was never there when it happened and I was never able to help. I would wake up not scared but sad.

I have lots of irrational fears, toaster won't burst into flames if you leave them plugged in.  But this fear doesn't feel irrational.  Everyday you hear of accidents, people getting hurt.  At the same time I can't keep my family safely hidden away in a bubble.

So I face my fear.  Last week my daughters went to visit their Aunt Mel.  I knew it would be fun for them.  I knew Mel would take good care of them.  I knew I wanted to go too, but had to work.  I wanted to say, "NO."  It was too far away, I would have no control, if anything happened I would have to hear about it over the phone.  All my nightmares started re-popping up in my head.  All the things that could happen.

While they were gone I spent a lot of time praying, and I spent a lot of time distracting myself shopping.  When they got home, safe and sound, I felt relieved and happy.  But later that week, Merry went to Grandma's house while Charry stayed with me.

Even though I knew Merry would have more fun with Grandma and that Grandma was great at keeping kids safe, still I hesitated.  My fear is still there.  I guess some fears are overcome by not letting them change your actions, by trusting God that even if what you fear happens He will see you through. I would rather the fear simply disappear and the night mares forgotten.