Do I believe in Miracles?

Two weeks ago my dad passed away.  He had been fighting cancer for the last two years.  My grief feels very selfish.  You see for me Dads cancer and my son have been linked since the beginning.  When we found out about the brain tumor I was three months pregnant and had one of those i-pod apps that told you how the baby was developing and how big the baby would be at that week in pregnancy.  So when the doctor described the size of the tumor it was something familiar to me, the same size as my son.  When she told us dad would probably only last six months I knew with out counting when that would be, it was my due date.

I remember crying out to the Lord for my dad, that he would meet grandson.  It was an emotional pregnancy, life was a bit crazy as we tried to help Mom and Dad with their life changes, my dad's new disability and all the treatments.  I prayed for a miracle, for healing, for a health Granddad.

When my son was born I saw my miracle.  Dad was not healed but he was still there.  He was able to come to the hospital and to hold James.  I was so happy, so relieved.  It was the miracle I had prayed so hard for.

A week later my son was gone.  There was no healing.  There was no relief. There was no miracle.

When my dad started to get worse instead of better I prayed so hard for a miracle.  My son was gone, couldn't I at least keep my dad.  But that isn't how this world works.  We can't make bargains with God.  My son was not mine to keep or to give up and neither was my dad.

I don't understand.  Life doesn't make sense.  This world is so broken, so full of sin and the destruction that comes with sin.  In my head and in my heart I know that both Dad and James have received complete healing.  I know that the miracle I prayed for was temporary but the miracle we have been given is eternal.  But right now I miss them, I wish they were here.  I pray for the day we will rejoice as the whole world receives healing and sin and death are finally no more.

Easter Morning 2012

I bought my daughters Easter dresses that had matching doll dresses with them because I wanted them to remember Easter as special.  I don't want them to look back at all the holidays as when Mom got moody and cried at church.  But that is how I will remember the Holidays at least this year and last year.

This year I am also wrestling with mixed emotions as my father is dying of cancer.  It seem this month things have gotten worse quickly and time is getting short.  As a Christian I have hope, I will see him again, he will have a new perfect body, his pain will be gone.  As a daughter I have grief, I will miss him, who will I go to for advice, my dad is the smartest man I've ever know, who will tell me when I am acting stupid.  I'm sure there are many out there willing to take over telling me when I'm doing something dumb but it won't be the same.

No one wants to see someone they love in pain, we all pray for healing and mercy, but while we wait for those prayers to be answered it is so hard.

Easter

Tomorrow is Easter.  I use to love Easter.  It came at the beginning of spring and brought hope and life.  I always was amazed at the power of God and his work all in one weekend.

Today I don't feel as happy and joyous over the hope and life.  Today I wonder why this work which was suppose to be finished so long ago seems to be dragging on.  Today the grave seems victorious and the sting of death seems painful.

 I wonder if the day will come when like the women visiting the tomb my sorrow will turn to joy and everything that is wrong in this world will suddenly be made right.  I eagerly await the day Christ will return and we will all go to the new heaven and new earth.  We will all have new bodies and finally the sting of death will be no more.  I pray that day comes soon.