April 17, 2011

It's now been over six months since my son died, This week when i thought of him, what I remembered most was praying. At the hospital, after the nurse had come in to let us know what was going on. I laid my head on the table and wept. And I prayed.

My prayer seemed odd to me even at the time and looking back I wonder if others would respond the way I did. I prayed whole heartedly for God's will to be done. But I didn't really want that and I told Him so. I wanted my will, I wanted my son to be ok, it didn't matter to me what God's will was. But all I could ask of God was that His will would be done and that He would help us through. Even looking back I'm not sure if my faith was strong, relying on God, or if it was weak, unable to believe in even asking for a miracle.

April 9, 2011

Six month ago I welcomed my son into the world and he looked so perfect. He was a few weeks early but that was ok, I had been pretty sure he would come early anyways.

As a mother recounting childbirth experiences is like telling old war stories, they are a little gruesome but as a moms we are proud to have gone through them. This delivery was like the others in that it was completely different. The epidural was much stronger on one side to the point my left leg felt completely numb. Somehow my muscles remembered what to do and I pushed him out. And there he was, absolutely beautiful. His sisters came with Grandma and Granddad to see him a few hours later. Life was good.

April 2nd, 2011

I see you laughing

But I know inside that you're crying

Just tell me what happened when things went wrong

We'll try to make sense of it all

Please don't blame yourself

Cause you're not by yourself

I've been right here all along

Don't have to be alone

Because you've always know

Wherever your heart is my home

And all this time

Saying you were fine

And everyone still to blame

Well there you are

You and your broken heart

It's written all over you're face

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/seabird/#share

I woke up with this song, well this part of the song going though my head. They are from the song "Don't you know that you're beautiful" by Seabird which I think is about the prodigal son. But lately I guess I have been feeling a little lost and alone. I've been wanting to read Ecclesiastes but I'm scared. It has been my favorite book in the Bible for a long time, all through the ups and downs of highschool and college I would turn to it when I needed encouragement. After all what better way to realize that the problems of this life are really small that to read how meaningless everything, good or bad, in this life is really meaningless unless it focuses on God. And to be reminded that God put us on this earth just to serve Him helped me to keep my motives in check when I made decisions.

But I'm afraid of what I will see now, I'm afraid that the scriptures I use to love will start feeling like a cruel joke. After all what could be more meaningless than my son being brought into this world only to die. I'm afraid eventually when I think of Heaven my first thought won't be of James. I'm afraid eventually instead of comforting God will start teaching and leading again. I look at the life of Job and think, "if I am weak there will be no reason to take anything else from me." I don't want to move, I don't want to keep going, I want to just stay here.

But here doesn't feel familiar anymore, it's like walking in fog and when the fog lifts trying to get your bearings, trying "to make sense of it all."