When remembering is hardest

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, my husband and I celebrated 16 years.  And I realize how hard keeping track of mile stones could be when you have one mark in particular which is painful.

Remembering 16 years meant remembering half of them are after we lost our son.  Remembering I’m turning 38 this year means remembering I was almost 30 when he was born.  It is hard to commemorate years gone bye with out realizing how much he has missed, and how much we miss him.  

I suppose it would be easier to just ignore the numbers, but remembering may be sad, it is also nice to remember my son throughout the year.  He was here for such a short time but he had a lasting impact.

New Year, years ago

Facebook's "on this day" can be a lot of fun.  Sometimes I'm reminded of my silly kids.  Other times I see how much I have changed.  And then there are moments when  looking back is painful.  When life was hard. 

This particular post was none of those.  Rather it was a reminder of right before life got crazy.  I had no idea how little I would care about nail biting, or how short my nails would end up by the next year.

Looking back made me think, what if I could warn myself?  What would I tell past me?  Would I warn myself?

I don't think so, ignorance is bliss.  Besides until you go through pain you can't really understand it.  I don't think there is a way to prepare for life's struggles.  So instead I just laugh at myself, my ignorance, my small sense of happiness.  

 

Feeling silly

On Monday my grandma called me.  I was very excited because I hadn't heard from her in weeks.  

To be honest I had been worried about her.  I had called a few times and left messages but she wasn't answering her phone or returning my calls.  She has cancer, is in remission I think but still has treatments.  

I kept thinking I should call my aunt and see if she got a new phone number. But... what if something was wrong and she just wasn't ready to tell us yet? Or treatments weren't going well and she didn't want company? Or she was out of town and I had just forgotten?

Every time I went to call someone else about her I felt myself begin to panic. So I didn't.

Turns out she had lost her cell phone and thought I was avoiding her.  The kids and I went up to visit her and had a good time.  

I will try to remember that sometimes when you get out of your bubble the world is good and you find out there was nothing to hide from, sometimes.

I had been doing so well.

So cubbies has been a little tough for me.  Last year and this year would have been when James would have been in the class.  I sometimes wonder looking at the other boys, what would my son have been like?  I laugh with the kids realizing I have no idea what is popular amongst preschoolers.  And smile sadly because I wish I had s preschooler at home to keep me informed.

Usually I do just fine getting through the evening with a few reminders.  But tonight didn't start very well.  Teacher Charlotte is gone for a few weeks so I briefly thought I could teach the bible story.  I was wrong.

Half way through I realized it was the story of the final plague on Egypt.  The plague that cost the Egyptians their sons.  As the adult that I am I expressed my sadness and uncomfortableness with, "Never mind, I can't do this after all."

Poor Stephanie was confused and I was unable to explain but just showed her the lesson then took a walk out side.  One lap around the church was enough for me to catch my breath and dry my eyes. The rest of the night went fine.  

But I wonder if there are stories I'll never be able to tell.  At least this year I was able to hear someone else tell it.

Insecurities

I'm back to school.  Feeling old as I hear about the other students in my class, wondering if I'm older than any of my teachers, struggling to figure out the technology side of classes, and getting back into good study habits.

For the most part school is going well.  Classes make sense.  I managed to pass both my classes last term and I'm feel confident in the classes I'm taking this term.

Except for one thing.  It's a silly thing.  It's not important to the class.  But it bugs me.  Yesterday I ended up with a headache because of it.  My teacher didn't reply to my introduction on the chat board.

He responded to everyone else but not me.  So I immediately decided he hates me.  What other explanation could there be.  After all teachers never overlook things, they never make mistakes, they aren't even human, right?

Okay, I know I'm over reacting.  But I still wish he would respond with "welcome to the class" like he did everyone else.

Happy? New Year

This year I have posted less.  But is it because I am less unhappy?  I still struggle with family events, major holidays, change of any kind.  I am taking college classes, I mostly enjoy them but the stress affects me differently than it used to.  I'm working on lesson plans and goals with my children and I still worry constantly if I am making the right choices.

In many ways our lives have calmed down.  We have more routine, less stress, fewer financial struggles.  Yet I am on guard for disaster that could strike at any moment.  I have nightmares where I loose everything important to me.  When I wake up my first response it to make those things less important so loosing them won't hurt as much rather than to hold those things close while I still can.

My sister mentioned still not being happy since our day died.  I began to wonder, "Am I happy?  When was the last time I felt happy?"  So as we welcome in the new year do I really expect it to be a happy one?  No, this world is too broken to be a happy place.  But we can still have joy in the gifts God has given us, the times He has shown us the happy place beyond this one.  "Even so, come, Lord Jesus"  Then perhaps the new year will be happy?

Oh look... A distraction

We're going to a reunion soon.  People I haven't seen in 13 years, people who I haven't met who went to the school either before or after I did.  People who don't know.

I'm going to smile, show off my beautiful girls, brag just a bit about Jon's engineering degree, and silently hope they don't ask.  Hope they didn't hear and don't know.  I don't want to see the sympathy in the back of their eyes.  Or hear the morbid curiosity in their questions.

Part of me wants to share; he's not a secret.  Part of me wants to keep him too myself; he is way more important to me than any small talk could express.

So I'm nervously trying to figure out what to talk about that will avoid bringing him up and how to change the subject if it takes a turn for the worst.  And how to be open with others, how to let God use me and the experience.

With strangers it is easy to not talk about stuff, with close friends it is easy to share or not depending on the mood, but acquaintances I'm not sure how to deal with.  

A friend told me she wanted this to be an opportunity to encourage one another, I'm not sure I'll be much encouragement if I'm constantly looking for distraction.