A down day

Seems like it doesn't take much to send me into a funk these days.  A few extra family stresses, a day going through old pictures and a well meaning person who didn't know what was going on.

She was trying to be encouraging, "every time I spent time in the hospital it drew me closer to God."  "You don't need to worry, God won't put you through more than you can bear."

I wished I hadn't joked about being a bit paranoid driving at night.  I wanted to tell the Lady to shutup, she didn't know me or what I'd been through!  And guess what, I had been through more than I could bear and I never want to go though anything like that again!

Instead I just smiled, nodded, and left.  I had been getting ready to leave anyways.  The drive home was a bit tense. 

And I thought about it, "was I closer to God than I had been?"  The answer is no, God showed me not how close He could be but how close He always was.  When I read Gods amazing truths in the Bible they were the same ones I read before, they just made more sense.  God's grace didn't become clearer it was the stain of sin on this world that became clearer.

Things I don't want others to know

I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all the emotions and questions that came after my son died.  It has been a nice place for reflection and healing.  But last week I was struggling and didn't want to post it.

I've been having this strange dream and waking up feeling sad and helpless.  Part of me wanted to hold on to the pain.  The pain meant I still cared, he was still important and missed. Part if me wanted to move past the pain, stop dwelling on the hurt and allow God's healing.

It was strange how something as simple as a bad dream could throw my whole life off.  I couldn't sleep.  I was short tempered.  I got frustrated easily.  Dwelling on pain and hurt is not remembering.  Focusing on the fear I felt is not loving the son I miss.

Even though the dreams were a reminder that James is still important, dwelling on the hurt is not remembering with love.

The brightness of light

Yesterday I had a wonderful time talking to a dear friend.  In true old friend fashion we managed to talk about everything imaginable and then a few more.

Afterwards I started thinking about what was said and old times and life now.  So many changes have taken place in the last three years, some where painful and terrible but others where wonderful.

The painful ones come to mind quickly, they hurt even now.  The good changes tend to make me mad because they just emphasize how bad the others where.  

In the end though I have to be able to thank God for bringing me through the good time as well as the bad.  It is good to know that He doesn't abandon you after helping you through a trial.  Just because things seem better doesn't mean He lets you handle it your self.

And He knows what is coming so I don't have to worry.  Whether we come to good times or bad times He will be with us and I shall praise Him.

Just Like Everyone Else

Lately I've been told by people that my marriage seems happier and my husband and I seem nicer to each other. At first I wasn't sure how to take it.  Was I mean before?  Was I overly cranky?  Was there something wrong with how we were acting?

Then I was talking to a friend about it and realized our life is "normal" now.  We are dealing only with the regular stress that normal people have.  Before there was grief, anger, confusion, and frustration over school.  Now there is normal life.

Sure there are still days I want to stay in bed and hide under the blankets but now I can get up anyways without someone pushing me.  There are days life seems unfair and everything we've been through seems too much.

But there are also days spent smiling.  Days when I'm eager to get up and get started.  Days when life seems good.

The big trials are in the past for now, with life there is no certainty they will stay there but for now I can relax and focus on today.  After all why worry about tomorrow?

social media and praying for comfort

With social media it is easy for the entire world to know your problems before you've even had a chance to think about them.  People pass on personal information in the form of prayer requests or just are so shocked they automatically share it with others.

But that can lead to strangers putting their two cents in where it doesn't belong or extened family feeling like they are the last to know something important.

The internet has become a release for people, it is a place they can share what they think, feel, or wish.  But my personal reaction to someone else's problems and pain doesn't need pushed out on to the internet.

So instead I put it on a blog they won't see, and hardly anyone reads.  I'm able to cry for them, pray for them and not worry that some unknown stranger may post something "thoughtful" which could hurt.

I pray for my friends, for comfort while they grieve, for strength while they raise their daughter, for courage as they hear all the questions, for grace while they make arrangements, for love while they feel lost, for hope as they look to eternity. 

I pray for their families who are grieving with them while also comforting them.  I pray that they too might find strength and comfort.

The world is a sadder place tonight, hearts are heavy and eyes tearful. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

miracle balloons

It is summer time, for me that means more free time, since we don't school year round, and miracle balloons at Dairy Queen.

Dairy Queen has been selling the paper balloons for as long as I remember.  They didn't really mean much to me when I first worked there.  Sure giving a dollar to a good cause and getting coupons was nice and all, but it didn't really impact me.  When James died that changed.

The donations collected in our area go directly to the place he past away.  For me buying a balloon is now a way of saying thank-you to the hospital staff who struggled to keep him alive and, when they failed, the staff who were the first to offer comfort while I grieved.

So when Miracle balloon sales began three years ago the balloons had new meaning and importance to me.  I wanted to give more, to do more.  I decided to encourage to local store, where I worked, to promote the balloons more and we began a raffle.  Ticket were earned when ballon sales were good and names were drawn at the end of the selling season.

I didn't realize how draining caring would be, how emotional I would be.  In the end it was good and gave me an outlet for both my grief and my energy.

This year I'm not working, I'm home being a mom to my other kids.  But I still want to be a part of something bigger than me and Miracle balloons are what I know.  So I am sponsoring the raffle again and feeling the drain on my emotions.  How is it that caring can feel so good and so bad.

one to actually post

A funny thing about blogging emotions, sometimes they change quickly or don't quite make it out onto the page.  For me that has meant many blog entries that were started, some even finished but never posted on line.  Some of them turned out to be to personal, not meant for others to see.  Some where to insensitive, since my readers are mostly known to me sometimes I don't want one of them to have to see how I feel so I keep it to myself.   And sometimes I am just to distracted life keeps going around me and  I get caught up in it.

But two and a half years later I still have the same emotions they are just a little less raw, a little easier to hide and a little less anxious to be shared.

The church nursery helper sign up form was passed around last week and I looked at the sweet little ones that would be back in the nursery and I wondered if I would ever want to help again.  I simply don't want to.  I don't want to hear the young moms talk about their baby troubles and triumphs, I don't want them stuck with me if I'm in a melancholy mood.

Some weeks would be fine but others would be a struggle so I didn't sign up.  I wonder if they will understand or if they will think I forgot, I don't want to have to explain so I hope noone asks about it later.