social media and praying for comfort

With social media it is easy for the entire world to know your problems before you've even had a chance to think about them.  People pass on personal information in the form of prayer requests or just are so shocked they automatically share it with others.

But that can lead to strangers putting their two cents in where it doesn't belong or extened family feeling like they are the last to know something important.

The internet has become a release for people, it is a place they can share what they think, feel, or wish.  But my personal reaction to someone else's problems and pain doesn't need pushed out on to the internet.

So instead I put it on a blog they won't see, and hardly anyone reads.  I'm able to cry for them, pray for them and not worry that some unknown stranger may post something "thoughtful" which could hurt.

I pray for my friends, for comfort while they grieve, for strength while they raise their daughter, for courage as they hear all the questions, for grace while they make arrangements, for love while they feel lost, for hope as they look to eternity. 

I pray for their families who are grieving with them while also comforting them.  I pray that they too might find strength and comfort.

The world is a sadder place tonight, hearts are heavy and eyes tearful. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

miracle balloons

It is summer time, for me that means more free time, since we don't school year round, and miracle balloons at Dairy Queen.

Dairy Queen has been selling the paper balloons for as long as I remember.  They didn't really mean much to me when I first worked there.  Sure giving a dollar to a good cause and getting coupons was nice and all, but it didn't really impact me.  When James died that changed.

The donations collected in our area go directly to the place he past away.  For me buying a balloon is now a way of saying thank-you to the hospital staff who struggled to keep him alive and, when they failed, the staff who were the first to offer comfort while I grieved.

So when Miracle balloon sales began three years ago the balloons had new meaning and importance to me.  I wanted to give more, to do more.  I decided to encourage to local store, where I worked, to promote the balloons more and we began a raffle.  Ticket were earned when ballon sales were good and names were drawn at the end of the selling season.

I didn't realize how draining caring would be, how emotional I would be.  In the end it was good and gave me an outlet for both my grief and my energy.

This year I'm not working, I'm home being a mom to my other kids.  But I still want to be a part of something bigger than me and Miracle balloons are what I know.  So I am sponsoring the raffle again and feeling the drain on my emotions.  How is it that caring can feel so good and so bad.

one to actually post

A funny thing about blogging emotions, sometimes they change quickly or don't quite make it out onto the page.  For me that has meant many blog entries that were started, some even finished but never posted on line.  Some of them turned out to be to personal, not meant for others to see.  Some where to insensitive, since my readers are mostly known to me sometimes I don't want one of them to have to see how I feel so I keep it to myself.   And sometimes I am just to distracted life keeps going around me and  I get caught up in it.

But two and a half years later I still have the same emotions they are just a little less raw, a little easier to hide and a little less anxious to be shared.

The church nursery helper sign up form was passed around last week and I looked at the sweet little ones that would be back in the nursery and I wondered if I would ever want to help again.  I simply don't want to.  I don't want to hear the young moms talk about their baby troubles and triumphs, I don't want them stuck with me if I'm in a melancholy mood.

Some weeks would be fine but others would be a struggle so I didn't sign up.  I wonder if they will understand or if they will think I forgot, I don't want to have to explain so I hope noone asks about it later.

How life is.

Sometimes it is hard to know how to react to people.  Sometimes instead of figuring out the correct reaction it is easier to simply not react.

Today we were at girl scouts talking about what babies need to survive.  Most of the girls thought of things like food, air, water, and someone to care for the baby.  One girl was a bit obsessed with bodily functions.  She was very insistent about babies needing to poop and pee.

Of course she was right.  In fact that was the problem James had.  The insides have to work right.  But that was not what we were suppose to be working on, so I directed the girls back to what we can give or do to help babies.

The hardest part was watching Charry, she knew that was why James died but she didn't seem to want to talk about it.  I don't know if she would have said something if I hadn't been the leader.

I knew because of the topic that I would be thinking of James, I purposely left my locket at home so the girls couldn't ask to see his picture.  But even so I wasn't sure how to react, sometimes having first hand knowlege makes it harder to talk about something rather than easier.

Dreams

I had a strange dream last night.  I dreamed I saw my son.  I told him how much I missed him and still loved him.  I showed him all the things we had saved from when he was born.  It wasn't like he was here more like he was visiting.  At the end of the dream I had to say goodbye again.

It was weird, felt real, and I can't quite shake it.  I guess I let my mind wander to much lately and creaky doors keep the mind awake while the body sleeps.  Some dreams are in between sleep and awake, they tend to feel more real and are harder to forget.  This was one of those.

Now my day is starting in a slump, not depressed sad, more lonely.  Two and a half years has been a long time for me.  There have been so many changes and life has moved so fast.  It was strange to look back and feel it all so fresh.

looking back on 2012

It was the best of times it was the worst of times, only not the first part.

2012 will be the year Jon graduated from college (finally) and the year my dad died.  I will remember how hard it was to to watch my parents, my dad's sickness and my mom's grief.

I'll remember how anxious I was for Jon to finally be done with school and the aggravation of job searching.

Much of the year is a blur of working at DQ then staying home all the time.  Of schooling my daughters and moving out of the apartments.  Of praying for friends and acquaintances as they suffer heartache.

It has not been a year of joy or celebration but it has been a year with God in control.  I suppose as long as we trust in Him it is "the best of times" because He is there with us.

Boxing Day

Christmas is a bit overwhelming.  So much business, so much family, so much memories.  Trying hard not to be constantly remembering, how it was or thinking how it should be.

I miss my dad, his humor, his laugh.  As a kid, Christmas was the day we saw the most of him.  So Christmas is a time I am reminded the most of him.  He's the one who always had the music playing in the background, he's the one who picked the movies to watch.  He's the one who made fun of all the gifts.

I also miss my son, I wonder what Christmas would have been like.  One more stocking hung, one more child to chase, one mess after another to clean up.

But they are both celebrating with the Savior.   What a party it must be in Heaven every day as Gods promises are fulfilled and His glory shown.

I just need to get away from reminiscing and wishful thinking and remember what Christmas is really about.  It's not about family, laughter, being loving to one another.  It is about how God showed his love for us by sending His one and only Son, that all who believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.