Dreams

I had a strange dream last night.  I dreamed I saw my son.  I told him how much I missed him and still loved him.  I showed him all the things we had saved from when he was born.  It wasn't like he was here more like he was visiting.  At the end of the dream I had to say goodbye again.

It was weird, felt real, and I can't quite shake it.  I guess I let my mind wander to much lately and creaky doors keep the mind awake while the body sleeps.  Some dreams are in between sleep and awake, they tend to feel more real and are harder to forget.  This was one of those.

Now my day is starting in a slump, not depressed sad, more lonely.  Two and a half years has been a long time for me.  There have been so many changes and life has moved so fast.  It was strange to look back and feel it all so fresh.

looking back on 2012

It was the best of times it was the worst of times, only not the first part.

2012 will be the year Jon graduated from college (finally) and the year my dad died.  I will remember how hard it was to to watch my parents, my dad's sickness and my mom's grief.

I'll remember how anxious I was for Jon to finally be done with school and the aggravation of job searching.

Much of the year is a blur of working at DQ then staying home all the time.  Of schooling my daughters and moving out of the apartments.  Of praying for friends and acquaintances as they suffer heartache.

It has not been a year of joy or celebration but it has been a year with God in control.  I suppose as long as we trust in Him it is "the best of times" because He is there with us.

Boxing Day

Christmas is a bit overwhelming.  So much business, so much family, so much memories.  Trying hard not to be constantly remembering, how it was or thinking how it should be.

I miss my dad, his humor, his laugh.  As a kid, Christmas was the day we saw the most of him.  So Christmas is a time I am reminded the most of him.  He's the one who always had the music playing in the background, he's the one who picked the movies to watch.  He's the one who made fun of all the gifts.

I also miss my son, I wonder what Christmas would have been like.  One more stocking hung, one more child to chase, one mess after another to clean up.

But they are both celebrating with the Savior.   What a party it must be in Heaven every day as Gods promises are fulfilled and His glory shown.

I just need to get away from reminiscing and wishful thinking and remember what Christmas is really about.  It's not about family, laughter, being loving to one another.  It is about how God showed his love for us by sending His one and only Son, that all who believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Christmas Time is here again

Last weekend was hard for me.  I got in fights (well arguments) for silly reasons.  I didn't want to do the things that needed done.  I didn't get to do the fun things I wanted to do.  I was too emotional, happy or sad it all came out my eyes, i.e. I cried a lot.

Then came monday, a new week.  I took a step back and prayed for a new heart, a new understanding, and a new attitude.  God is good.  He is working on me and working with me.  Christmas is a time spent with loved ones and family.  For me with some of my loved ones and family gone Christmas will always be a time they are missed.

My mom is such an encouragement to me.  She is able to focus on the hope of eternity, the promise that those who go before us are already perfected.  I am sure she has bad days too.  But seeing her constantly relying on God through those time is a wonderful reminder to me to do like wise.

I pray that my focus during Christmas and beyond will be of the son of God come to earth to bring healing.  Now my happy tears are back as I praise God my son and my dad have both found that healing, I eagerly await the day I will join them and all these tears will be wiped away.

Moving

We are moving soon, like in a few days soon.  The new place isn't far and it is quite familiar (my parents old place.)  I'm glad to be out of the apartments even if only for a little while (the move is short term.)  I had a hard time packing though.

I had a hard time putting all my James memorabilia into a box.  I had a hard time closing the box.  I had a hard time thinking of anyone else carrying that box or opening it up.  It was the only box I labeled.  It is the only one that matters right now.

This is the only home James ever knew.  These are the only walls he ever saw.  Now I am going to a place with no memories of him, a place he never played, never grew, never was.

But it is a place full of other memories.  A place I grew.  A place my other kids played.  A place that has a lot of "should have beens."

James' will be the first box I unpack, it will be the first thing I find a spot for.

Lamentations

This morning as I got out my Bible to read my heart felt heavy.  Life was not going as I want it to.  I don't understand why.  There are things that have happened, chooses I have made that I know where the right thing to do.  yet I feel like I'm being punished for them.  It reminded me of when I found out I was expecting James.

I cried, I was not over joyed but I had peace that this was part of God's plan for us.  I knew that this baby was a blessing.  Then when he was a week old James went to be with God, he was taken from us.  Part of me can't help but wonder what did I do wrong, why did I deserve that.

That was what was on my heart and mind as I read Lamentations 3:20-23 "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.  Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning." (NIV)

So I praise God for His faithfulness and pray that morning will come when I can see His mercies.

Frustration

Last week was long, I feel exhausted.  Now it looks like we will have a few more long months ahead of us.

Some how when I try to pray and ask God for help, I think of my son.  Even when my prayers are for something small, like looking for lost keys, I remember how hard it was to pray for what I really wanted.

I find myself going back to the same prayer of "please let Your will be done, but please let it not be this."  I don't want to go through trials or face hard times.  I want to keep healing, not face life just yet.

When I pray I can't beg God to do anything for me, because he has done so much.  Knowing how great His sacrifice was for me, how much He loves me, what else can I do but trust Him and pray for the patience to wait on Him.

So I struggle with prayer, with what I want and what I need, with knowing God is in control but that doesn't mean everything will be grand on this earth.  I pray for peace, for understanding, and for life to go as God sees fit.  And I try to remember that God hears my prayers even when He has to answer them, "no".