Moving

We are moving soon, like in a few days soon.  The new place isn't far and it is quite familiar (my parents old place.)  I'm glad to be out of the apartments even if only for a little while (the move is short term.)  I had a hard time packing though.

I had a hard time putting all my James memorabilia into a box.  I had a hard time closing the box.  I had a hard time thinking of anyone else carrying that box or opening it up.  It was the only box I labeled.  It is the only one that matters right now.

This is the only home James ever knew.  These are the only walls he ever saw.  Now I am going to a place with no memories of him, a place he never played, never grew, never was.

But it is a place full of other memories.  A place I grew.  A place my other kids played.  A place that has a lot of "should have beens."

James' will be the first box I unpack, it will be the first thing I find a spot for.

Lamentations

This morning as I got out my Bible to read my heart felt heavy.  Life was not going as I want it to.  I don't understand why.  There are things that have happened, chooses I have made that I know where the right thing to do.  yet I feel like I'm being punished for them.  It reminded me of when I found out I was expecting James.

I cried, I was not over joyed but I had peace that this was part of God's plan for us.  I knew that this baby was a blessing.  Then when he was a week old James went to be with God, he was taken from us.  Part of me can't help but wonder what did I do wrong, why did I deserve that.

That was what was on my heart and mind as I read Lamentations 3:20-23 "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.  Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning." (NIV)

So I praise God for His faithfulness and pray that morning will come when I can see His mercies.

Frustration

Last week was long, I feel exhausted.  Now it looks like we will have a few more long months ahead of us.

Some how when I try to pray and ask God for help, I think of my son.  Even when my prayers are for something small, like looking for lost keys, I remember how hard it was to pray for what I really wanted.

I find myself going back to the same prayer of "please let Your will be done, but please let it not be this."  I don't want to go through trials or face hard times.  I want to keep healing, not face life just yet.

When I pray I can't beg God to do anything for me, because he has done so much.  Knowing how great His sacrifice was for me, how much He loves me, what else can I do but trust Him and pray for the patience to wait on Him.

So I struggle with prayer, with what I want and what I need, with knowing God is in control but that doesn't mean everything will be grand on this earth.  I pray for peace, for understanding, and for life to go as God sees fit.  And I try to remember that God hears my prayers even when He has to answer them, "no".

a day I don't want to remember

Celebrating James' birthday last week was hard.  But it was the melancholy happy sad that makes you want to smile as you cry.  I have such good memories of the day he was born.  I loved holding him close and laughing at his cute ears.

Today is the two year anniversary of his death.  There is nothing to celebrate, no happy memories, no reasons to smile.  Instead I want to cry, to wail, to shout how unfair life is.  How hard it is to still be dealing with this pain.

The grief I feel is mine alone.  I don't want to share it.  I don't want my daughters to remember the pain that came after their brother died.  I want them to remember the special little brother that they barely met.  So on his birthday we celebrated but today I cry alone.

I am so thankful for the people around me who give love and support, it is nice to know I am not completely alone.

Dreaming of Terrible Two's

We are planning a "party" for tomorrow.  Some thing simple, decorate cupcakes and play video games.  Just our small little family.  We're taking the day off school but Jon still has to work, so it will just be for the evening.  I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm sad, I want to cry, I want to sit by myself and wail about how unfair life is, how cruel the world is.

I'm happy, I want to remember my son,  remember holding him, remember how it felt to have him.

I'm curious, two years old what would he have been like, would he have been a trouble maker, a fighter, a cuddler?

I'm tired, it has been a long year.  I can't believe two years have gone by already.  Life keeps changing. At times I just want it to slow down, to let me catch up.

I am blessed to have my daughters, they keep life from passing me by.  They are happy to celebrate James' birthday, happy to have cupcakes, happy to play games.  But they also like remembering their little brother.  Merry is adamant, "He's not dead, he's just alive in Heaven instead of here."  I love her child like faith and simple reasoning.  It is a good reminder for me that while a sad goodbye it is a temporary one.  Two years have almost passed and the day we will be reunited is getting closer.

Then our party will be elaborate and we shall celebrate not this life but the eternal one.

Today is a good day

Life can be good.  I hear my daughters playing nicely together (sure they are suppose to be cleaning their room but...)  We have had dinner as a family almost every night this week.

I miss my son, I miss my dad, but I am so grateful for the people I do have here with me.  I love my daughter so much.  I love watching them grow and learn.  I love my husband, I love how he has grown in our ten years of marriage, I love that he is finally out of school.

I love my mom, she is AMAZING.  I love my sibling, nieces, nephews, in-laws, uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins.  Right now I feel so grateful for all the people in my life who have supported me during the last few years.

Little things, like eating dinner as a family seem so big right now.  I want to hold on to these memories. I keep reminding myself that it is OK to enjoy life.  You can still smile while you miss people.  I think I was scared to care so much, scared to actually love.  Scared to hurt again.

I don't ever want to relive these last few years.  But God is faithful and He will continue to be faithful.  (sometimes I need to just say it out loud and remind myself it is true.)  I pray that when hard times come they will not be as hard of times and that I will remain faithful too.

Back to being "Mom"

The past two and a half years have moved so slow and so fast.  It has been 22 months since James died.  Life seems so different now.  It is hard to remember why I made some of the decisions I made in the month following his death.  At the time I didn't feel, or maybe I felt too much, like I needed to make certain decisions.

Going back to work was because of how I felt not because I wanted to work or needed to work.  I simply felt like work would be good.  At the time being a mom was so hard.  Being a human was hard. Tucking my kids into bed at night was such a chore.  It wasn't that I didn't like doing it, it was that James wouldn't be a part of it.  It took me a little bit to realize how hard it was on my kids to have a teary eyed mother who wasn't able to be "mom."

That was when I went back to working part time.  I was able to not be "mom."  I was able to interact with people who didn't know what I had been through.  I was able to serve ice cream with a smile.  I was able to get out of the apartment and away from everything that reminded  me of James.

Jon needed the opposite.   He needed to be "dad."  He needed to see that he could be "dad."  Me working meant he had to be home and to be focused on his daughters.

But now life has changed.  I am able to be "mom" without constant tears.  I am able to remember James without being sick with grief.  Jon and I are able to be home together (before he was a student as well as working part time.)  It is hard when people ask what I'm going to do now that I'm quitting.  I can't help but remember the pain I had gone to work to avoid, the heartache I didn't want my kids constantly seeing.

I am able to quit the part time job because I am able to focus on my full time job, parenting.  The timing may be because of my husbands job but the reason isn't.  Still it is hard to say, "I was only working to avoid the constant sadness I felt as a mother who lost a child when I was around my other children.  Now that I am able to deal with those emotions I feel my kids need a full time mom."  Some thing are a whole lot easier to voice on line.