I had been doing so well.

So cubbies has been a little tough for me.  Last year and this year would have been when James would have been in the class.  I sometimes wonder looking at the other boys, what would my son have been like?  I laugh with the kids realizing I have no idea what is popular amongst preschoolers.  And smile sadly because I wish I had s preschooler at home to keep me informed.

Usually I do just fine getting through the evening with a few reminders.  But tonight didn't start very well.  Teacher Charlotte is gone for a few weeks so I briefly thought I could teach the bible story.  I was wrong.

Half way through I realized it was the story of the final plague on Egypt.  The plague that cost the Egyptians their sons.  As the adult that I am I expressed my sadness and uncomfortableness with, "Never mind, I can't do this after all."

Poor Stephanie was confused and I was unable to explain but just showed her the lesson then took a walk out side.  One lap around the church was enough for me to catch my breath and dry my eyes. The rest of the night went fine.  

But I wonder if there are stories I'll never be able to tell.  At least this year I was able to hear someone else tell it.

Insecurities

I'm back to school.  Feeling old as I hear about the other students in my class, wondering if I'm older than any of my teachers, struggling to figure out the technology side of classes, and getting back into good study habits.

For the most part school is going well.  Classes make sense.  I managed to pass both my classes last term and I'm feel confident in the classes I'm taking this term.

Except for one thing.  It's a silly thing.  It's not important to the class.  But it bugs me.  Yesterday I ended up with a headache because of it.  My teacher didn't reply to my introduction on the chat board.

He responded to everyone else but not me.  So I immediately decided he hates me.  What other explanation could there be.  After all teachers never overlook things, they never make mistakes, they aren't even human, right?

Okay, I know I'm over reacting.  But I still wish he would respond with "welcome to the class" like he did everyone else.

Happy? New Year

This year I have posted less.  But is it because I am less unhappy?  I still struggle with family events, major holidays, change of any kind.  I am taking college classes, I mostly enjoy them but the stress affects me differently than it used to.  I'm working on lesson plans and goals with my children and I still worry constantly if I am making the right choices.

In many ways our lives have calmed down.  We have more routine, less stress, fewer financial struggles.  Yet I am on guard for disaster that could strike at any moment.  I have nightmares where I loose everything important to me.  When I wake up my first response it to make those things less important so loosing them won't hurt as much rather than to hold those things close while I still can.

My sister mentioned still not being happy since our day died.  I began to wonder, "Am I happy?  When was the last time I felt happy?"  So as we welcome in the new year do I really expect it to be a happy one?  No, this world is too broken to be a happy place.  But we can still have joy in the gifts God has given us, the times He has shown us the happy place beyond this one.  "Even so, come, Lord Jesus"  Then perhaps the new year will be happy?

Oh look... A distraction

We're going to a reunion soon.  People I haven't seen in 13 years, people who I haven't met who went to the school either before or after I did.  People who don't know.

I'm going to smile, show off my beautiful girls, brag just a bit about Jon's engineering degree, and silently hope they don't ask.  Hope they didn't hear and don't know.  I don't want to see the sympathy in the back of their eyes.  Or hear the morbid curiosity in their questions.

Part of me wants to share; he's not a secret.  Part of me wants to keep him too myself; he is way more important to me than any small talk could express.

So I'm nervously trying to figure out what to talk about that will avoid bringing him up and how to change the subject if it takes a turn for the worst.  And how to be open with others, how to let God use me and the experience.

With strangers it is easy to not talk about stuff, with close friends it is easy to share or not depending on the mood, but acquaintances I'm not sure how to deal with.  

A friend told me she wanted this to be an opportunity to encourage one another, I'm not sure I'll be much encouragement if I'm constantly looking for distraction.

Depression?

I think I've been dealing with a little bit of depression lately, well what I have is more of a stupor.

I've been tired, content to stay in bed, unwilling to see people, wishing to cancel plans simply because I don't want to brush my hair.  I found myself sitting on the couch, watching you-tube videos, eating crackers, house a mess, wondering why.

Easter makes me think of death, the promise of Easter is a reminder of the death and punishment that we need saved from.  New life is a reminder that this old life is temporary.  My son's death changed me, it changed how I veiw the world.  Some of those changes are good,  I cherish those around me.

Some of those changes are hard, hope is bitter sweet.  Knowing you will see someone again means you can't see them now.  Knowing perfection is coming means you are incomplete.

So this morning I got up, I worked on school with my daughter, I printed a to do list, and I started checking things off.  I rearranged my front room, because that is a change I can make.  And I thought of Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything, a time to sit on the couch and a time to get up and clean.  It was ok to take a break, even if I didn't realize I needed it, but that break could only last a season it is time for other things.

Missing piece

Last night I spent the night at the library with my daughters.  They had earned it by participating in "no screen week."  It was a fun, late night and the library was packed.  There were over 400 campers of all ages.

As I lay trying to get some sleep on the cold, hard library floor I could hear toddlers crying and parents reading familiar stories to their little ones.

All at once I was reminded of the stories my daughters had loved, the books they checked out so often I finally bought them their own copy.  The books I had planned to buy when we found out we were having a boy.

So there I was curled up in a sleeping bag in the middle of the library, surrounded by strangers suddenly wanting to cry.  I was tired and in an unfamiliar spot.  I wanted to be home, away from the happy moms, away from the picture books, away from the reminders of what I didn't get to have.

So I prayed, I thanked God for my daughters, I thanked God for His Son, I thanked God for eternal life and the hope of heaven.  It is still hard for me to not have James here but I am truly thankful that where he is, is a happy place.  It is a place without pain or suffering.  And it is a place full of love.  

Christmas is coming

Merry Christmas  little James,

You are still missed every day.  You are still loved by those who you left behind.  I still wonder how different my life would be if you were here.  This year your dad and I did something new.  We bought presents for a little boy in remembrance of you.  I don't know who will receive it but I hope they like it.

I wonder if you would have liked the gifts.  We included blocks and board books.  As well as a ball and stuffed animal.  Those are what most four year olds like, I think.  It is hard to think of you as anything other that a baby. 

It is strange to think you have been gone so long, four years already.  It seems like only yesterday I was holding you, saying goodbye. I do not know what eternal life looks like, if you know the changing seasons and what we on Earth are doing.  We are getting ready to celebrate another baby boy who was born, loved, and died.  This baby was special because his death is what gives me the hope of seeing you again.

He did not stay dead but conquered death so that we might have eternal life.  Eternal life how wonderful that sounds.  That is the life you now live, and I long to be a part of it.

Christmas is a time for family, without you our family is incomplete.

What a silly letter to send a child,

Your Mom (who will always love you)