Depression?

I think I've been dealing with a little bit of depression lately, well what I have is more of a stupor.

I've been tired, content to stay in bed, unwilling to see people, wishing to cancel plans simply because I don't want to brush my hair.  I found myself sitting on the couch, watching you-tube videos, eating crackers, house a mess, wondering why.

Easter makes me think of death, the promise of Easter is a reminder of the death and punishment that we need saved from.  New life is a reminder that this old life is temporary.  My son's death changed me, it changed how I veiw the world.  Some of those changes are good,  I cherish those around me.

Some of those changes are hard, hope is bitter sweet.  Knowing you will see someone again means you can't see them now.  Knowing perfection is coming means you are incomplete.

So this morning I got up, I worked on school with my daughter, I printed a to do list, and I started checking things off.  I rearranged my front room, because that is a change I can make.  And I thought of Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything, a time to sit on the couch and a time to get up and clean.  It was ok to take a break, even if I didn't realize I needed it, but that break could only last a season it is time for other things.

Missing piece

Last night I spent the night at the library with my daughters.  They had earned it by participating in "no screen week."  It was a fun, late night and the library was packed.  There were over 400 campers of all ages.

As I lay trying to get some sleep on the cold, hard library floor I could hear toddlers crying and parents reading familiar stories to their little ones.

All at once I was reminded of the stories my daughters had loved, the books they checked out so often I finally bought them their own copy.  The books I had planned to buy when we found out we were having a boy.

So there I was curled up in a sleeping bag in the middle of the library, surrounded by strangers suddenly wanting to cry.  I was tired and in an unfamiliar spot.  I wanted to be home, away from the happy moms, away from the picture books, away from the reminders of what I didn't get to have.

So I prayed, I thanked God for my daughters, I thanked God for His Son, I thanked God for eternal life and the hope of heaven.  It is still hard for me to not have James here but I am truly thankful that where he is, is a happy place.  It is a place without pain or suffering.  And it is a place full of love.  

Christmas is coming

Merry Christmas  little James,

You are still missed every day.  You are still loved by those who you left behind.  I still wonder how different my life would be if you were here.  This year your dad and I did something new.  We bought presents for a little boy in remembrance of you.  I don't know who will receive it but I hope they like it.

I wonder if you would have liked the gifts.  We included blocks and board books.  As well as a ball and stuffed animal.  Those are what most four year olds like, I think.  It is hard to think of you as anything other that a baby. 

It is strange to think you have been gone so long, four years already.  It seems like only yesterday I was holding you, saying goodbye. I do not know what eternal life looks like, if you know the changing seasons and what we on Earth are doing.  We are getting ready to celebrate another baby boy who was born, loved, and died.  This baby was special because his death is what gives me the hope of seeing you again.

He did not stay dead but conquered death so that we might have eternal life.  Eternal life how wonderful that sounds.  That is the life you now live, and I long to be a part of it.

Christmas is a time for family, without you our family is incomplete.

What a silly letter to send a child,

Your Mom (who will always love you)

A day off life

Yesterday I gave myself a day off.  I spent the entire day curled up in bed, half asleep.  I had a headache, I felt emotional, I didn't want to deal with anything.  So I stayed in my room, and was left alone.

But I didn't do it because I was giving up.  I knew it was only for a day.  It was a temporary break, so I could face the rest of the week.  I'm thankful for my husband who may not understand but allows me to hide away when I need to.  I am thankful for my daughters who deffinatly don't understand but will listen and obey.

Today I feel better.  Today I got out of bed.  I still had a headache, I still felt emotional, I still wanted to be away.  But I went to church, I smiled at people, I made dinner.  I even help with yard work rather than make excuses.  Because yesterday was my day off and it was only for one day.

It's coming

James' birthday is just a few days away.  I feel the sad anticipation as we prepare to celebrate a brief happy moment.  I already am feeling nervous about how public to make my grief.

Whether to post on Facebook, or take a picture for Instagram.  Do I let people know at dance class why I am sitting in a corner crying.  

In some ways I want to share, he was so special, so loved, so remember. In some ways I want to stay silent, he was so little, so mine.

It was all so quick. One short week in October, four years ago.  That was all the time we had, but it was time filled with loved and joy as we got to meet our son.

A headache

Today my head hurts.  It's the all I want to do is cry, why am I awake type of headache that I tend to get from stress.

The reason for my stress seems silly; today would be James' first day of AWANA.  I don't want to help this year.  I don't want to see all the little ones his age.  I don't want to know what I'm missing.

An off week

This week felt hard.  It was hard to get up in the morning, hard to do the things that needed done, hard to go to bed.  Just plain hard.

I sometimes worry that I have too many triggers, too many things that will send me into a slump.

This week I had at least three things make me on edge, where I get headaches and cry easily.  Two were church families we were praying for (both of whom are doing fine now.) The third was starting school and acknowledging autumn.  The entire season is rather depressing for me.  I had hoped starting school early would make it less fall-ish.

But instead I spent the weekend crying and locked away from the rest of the world.  Tears felt good and time alone felt refreshing.

Still I wonder why does the pain feel so fresh still.  Why does hurt take so long to heal?