The Holy Spirit

When people talk about the Holy Spirit they tend to focus on one aspect. It may be His calling or His comforting, it seems to differ from person to person which aspect they think is the most important, or at least which they think of first.

As I sat in Sunday School today I heard one man, who didn't hear the gospel until he was almost an adult, share the Holy Spirit's conviction on unbelievers.  To him that was the main job for the Holy Spirit.  A retired pastor shared how the Holy Spirit leads.  His calling to ministry was when he felt the Holy Spirit most strongly.

For me, I think of Romans 8:26, "we do not know what we ought to pray but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us."  

When I was at the hospital and the nurse came out to tell me how the surgery was going and that my son had been resuscitated, I didn't know what to pray.  I wanted a miracle, I wanted to pray for my son to be ok.  But I knew miracles come in all different shapes and sized.  I knew God allowed pain and death.  

So I prayed for the Spirit to intercede.  That if I needed strength He would provide it.  If comfort, then He would comfort.  And that God would be with my son, that He would give my tiny baby everything that he needed.  I didn't know how the night would end, or how to pray accordingly but I trusted the Holy Spirit knew.

My son has had a lasting affect on me.  That one short week has made a huge difference in how I view the world and God. 

Feeling philosophical

There are times in life when everything changes.  It doesn't get better or worse, just different.  Some of those time are good; marriage, graduation, or birth of a child.  Some are bad; loss of a loved one, bankruptcy, chronic illness.

But whether the event itself is good or bad doesn't make the life to follow good or bad.  It is still just life.  

Remembering life from before we tend to focus all on the good but there was bad too.  Thinking of life now it is easy to look only at the bad but really it is good too.  The lives are just different.  Not even comparable.

There are so many irreversible moment in life.  Today I miss my dad.  He was such a huge influence on my life.  Life now is different, not better, not worse, just different.

spring

There are days I don't miss my son.  Not having a preschooler to entertain, or keep track of.  My girls are old enough I don't have to worry about them.  And they are way past potty training.  I'm not sad to have missed out on that stage.

Then I feel guilty.  I would have hated potty training but I would have been so proud of him when it was over.  It would be work to keep him busy but I would have loved watching him learn. 

It is hard to be glad that I'm past the "little" kids stage when I know I am missing out on my littlest one.  But also want to be glad as my older two grow.  I want to enjoy them getting older with out constant regret.

I cannot be sad that my son is in heaven.  I cannot regret holding him for that short while.  His life was precious but his eternal life is even more precious!

So is it ok to wish I was with him, to hope for eternity, rather than wishing he was with me?

Where I am and how I got here

I was little.  Then I grew up.  Life was hard.  Then things became bad.  I was sad, so very sad.  I forgot about living.  Then I woke up.  I realized I had been missing out on life.  I decided to start living again.  

It has been hard to pick up the pieces.  There are days I want to forget again, to care less.  But when I realize how much I had been missing, I don't want to miss out on anything else.

While I was sad I was never quite awake. It wasn't that I didn't care so much as I couldn't care.  Now that I am awake I have that choice again.  Choosing to care was hard.  Part of me wanted to go back to sleep and continue to ignore everything around me.  

I am glad I woke up.  Glad I started living again.  Glad I'm not missing out on life.  I still have a long ways to go.  I find new pieces of life that had been forgotten and I have to figure out how they fit.  Being awake enough to figure it out is nice.

The new year

The new year is coming.  I use to look forward to staying up late and making resolutions.  A new start, a reason to make changes.

Now the new year already seems old, hope of change is over shadowed by knowledge that change isn't always good.  I find it hard to celebrate something that, as the years pass, seems more and more pointless.

I suppose I am in a funk.  Perhaps my resolution should be to look for the positives, to find joy in life.  Christmas was a good time this year, with few melancholy moments.  I was encouraged and didn't have to pretend to enjoy myself. 

Maybe it is because this year is ending on a positive that I don't want to start new.  I want things to keep going as they are.  No more changes. 

The mom I want to be

So I recently shared on my homeschooling blog about a new Christmas tradition I started this year. "Christmas Barbie" has a new activity to do each day, I set her up each morning so the girls can find her and figure out what we will be up to.

In the back of my head there is this little voice saying, "Are you serious?"  Do I really need to have something new everyday?  Isn't Barbie just adding to an already hectic holiday season? Am I just trying to compensate for something?

The answer is yes, I'm serious, the girls look forward to something new, it has made the season a bit more hectic, and I know I'm trying to compensate.

The thing is, even if this is the only year "Christmas Barbie" makes an appearance, she will be talked about and remembered. In the minds of my girls it will be something we "always use to do."

I want them to remember childhood as full of fun and excitement.  I want them to think of me as fun, crafty, and as someone who did things for them.  I worry that I will be the angry mom who's always crying.  I worry that they will remember when I was at my lowest.  So now that the lowest has past I want to help them make happy memories and having a new, some what over the top, tradition helps.

When the sun shines bright

When the weather is nice, when I'm warm and cozy, when I can see the wonders of God's handy work, I sometimes think of my son.  It is easier to keep smiling when life seems so peaceful and calm.

Last week while working with in cubbies, listening to one boy "say" his verse I had to laugh at how hard it was to understand him.  The sweet kid had just turned three during the summer so he is only a few month older than James would have been.

As the boy talked I thought how wonderful it is that moms can understand their children even when no one else can.  We get used to hearing their mumblings and can pick out the words.

I miss deciphering  kid-speak, I wonder what words James would have stumbled over, what his first word would have been, and if strangers would have been able to understand him.

But with the sun shining thru the window I can't help but smile and remember this world is temporary, the day will come when we have eternity.  To spend eternal life with my children is so much more important.