When the sun shines bright

When the weather is nice, when I'm warm and cozy, when I can see the wonders of God's handy work, I sometimes think of my son.  It is easier to keep smiling when life seems so peaceful and calm.

Last week while working with in cubbies, listening to one boy "say" his verse I had to laugh at how hard it was to understand him.  The sweet kid had just turned three during the summer so he is only a few month older than James would have been.

As the boy talked I thought how wonderful it is that moms can understand their children even when no one else can.  We get used to hearing their mumblings and can pick out the words.

I miss deciphering  kid-speak, I wonder what words James would have stumbled over, what his first word would have been, and if strangers would have been able to understand him.

But with the sun shining thru the window I can't help but smile and remember this world is temporary, the day will come when we have eternity.  To spend eternal life with my children is so much more important.

Life is for the living

I'm not going to lie, this has been a long hard week.  Memories felt fresh, pain felt strong. I ended up worn out and managed to make myself sick.

While on my own at night I watched a Korean Drama, they are my secret pleasure.  I usually pick ones that are light hearted comedies.  But this one I chose because of its sad story line.  Long story short (and Korean dramas tend to be long) the main character miscarries.  I wanted a reason to cry that wasn't my own.  I wanted to be sad but not about anything real.  So I watched and I cried.

Later in the episode another character offers comfort by saying, "being sad won't help the dead, it only makes those still alive suffer."  In many ways that is how I have treated my grief.  I tend to keep it to myself because I don't want those around me to feel burdened by it.  I want my daughters to be happy they had a brother, not to feel like they have to be sad.  I want to enjoy the time I spend with friends and family even on days I am in a funk.

My family has always dealt with life through humor so it seems fitting that we deal with death the same way.  Still I look forward to the new life without death, without sadness, without pain and for the days to come when I will be able to share all my emotions with those around me because they will all be joyful.

Saying goodbye

It's that time of year again.  I want to cry and wail and get mad at life.  I want tomorrow to never come , for that day to have never existed.

It is hard enough to remember the joy of having a son, why must I also remember the pain of losing him.  

Turning three

Birthdays are time to celebrate another year together, another year of accomplishments.  They are a time to look forward at the year to come.  We laugh about what could be coming, potty training or talking back.  As toddlers become preschoolers you have to rearrange bedrooms and find new things to keep them occupied.

But this birthday is different.  There is no together, no year to come, no times remembered.  It is becoming just a memory of something from long ago.  Something I don't want to let go of but I don't know how to hold on.

James will always be a part of our family. The girls will always have had a little brother.  It seems fitting to remember him on his birthday.  To remember the part of our family that is no longer with is.

Yet it is harder this year.  Jon is out of town and I'm feeling lost and alone.  I'm not sure how to remember without sorrow.  How to celebrate the life without mourning the death.  

So I made cupcakes, cried into my pillow and looked through James' photo album.  My little boy, a joy to hold, I look forward to the eternity we will be able to celebrate in paradise.

A down day

Seems like it doesn't take much to send me into a funk these days.  A few extra family stresses, a day going through old pictures and a well meaning person who didn't know what was going on.

She was trying to be encouraging, "every time I spent time in the hospital it drew me closer to God."  "You don't need to worry, God won't put you through more than you can bear."

I wished I hadn't joked about being a bit paranoid driving at night.  I wanted to tell the Lady to shutup, she didn't know me or what I'd been through!  And guess what, I had been through more than I could bear and I never want to go though anything like that again!

Instead I just smiled, nodded, and left.  I had been getting ready to leave anyways.  The drive home was a bit tense. 

And I thought about it, "was I closer to God than I had been?"  The answer is no, God showed me not how close He could be but how close He always was.  When I read Gods amazing truths in the Bible they were the same ones I read before, they just made more sense.  God's grace didn't become clearer it was the stain of sin on this world that became clearer.

Things I don't want others to know

I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all the emotions and questions that came after my son died.  It has been a nice place for reflection and healing.  But last week I was struggling and didn't want to post it.

I've been having this strange dream and waking up feeling sad and helpless.  Part of me wanted to hold on to the pain.  The pain meant I still cared, he was still important and missed. Part if me wanted to move past the pain, stop dwelling on the hurt and allow God's healing.

It was strange how something as simple as a bad dream could throw my whole life off.  I couldn't sleep.  I was short tempered.  I got frustrated easily.  Dwelling on pain and hurt is not remembering.  Focusing on the fear I felt is not loving the son I miss.

Even though the dreams were a reminder that James is still important, dwelling on the hurt is not remembering with love.

The brightness of light

Yesterday I had a wonderful time talking to a dear friend.  In true old friend fashion we managed to talk about everything imaginable and then a few more.

Afterwards I started thinking about what was said and old times and life now.  So many changes have taken place in the last three years, some where painful and terrible but others where wonderful.

The painful ones come to mind quickly, they hurt even now.  The good changes tend to make me mad because they just emphasize how bad the others where.  

In the end though I have to be able to thank God for bringing me through the good time as well as the bad.  It is good to know that He doesn't abandon you after helping you through a trial.  Just because things seem better doesn't mean He lets you handle it your self.

And He knows what is coming so I don't have to worry.  Whether we come to good times or bad times He will be with us and I shall praise Him.