Saying goodbye

It's that time of year again.  I want to cry and wail and get mad at life.  I want tomorrow to never come , for that day to have never existed.

It is hard enough to remember the joy of having a son, why must I also remember the pain of losing him.  

Turning three

Birthdays are time to celebrate another year together, another year of accomplishments.  They are a time to look forward at the year to come.  We laugh about what could be coming, potty training or talking back.  As toddlers become preschoolers you have to rearrange bedrooms and find new things to keep them occupied.

But this birthday is different.  There is no together, no year to come, no times remembered.  It is becoming just a memory of something from long ago.  Something I don't want to let go of but I don't know how to hold on.

James will always be a part of our family. The girls will always have had a little brother.  It seems fitting to remember him on his birthday.  To remember the part of our family that is no longer with is.

Yet it is harder this year.  Jon is out of town and I'm feeling lost and alone.  I'm not sure how to remember without sorrow.  How to celebrate the life without mourning the death.  

So I made cupcakes, cried into my pillow and looked through James' photo album.  My little boy, a joy to hold, I look forward to the eternity we will be able to celebrate in paradise.

A down day

Seems like it doesn't take much to send me into a funk these days.  A few extra family stresses, a day going through old pictures and a well meaning person who didn't know what was going on.

She was trying to be encouraging, "every time I spent time in the hospital it drew me closer to God."  "You don't need to worry, God won't put you through more than you can bear."

I wished I hadn't joked about being a bit paranoid driving at night.  I wanted to tell the Lady to shutup, she didn't know me or what I'd been through!  And guess what, I had been through more than I could bear and I never want to go though anything like that again!

Instead I just smiled, nodded, and left.  I had been getting ready to leave anyways.  The drive home was a bit tense. 

And I thought about it, "was I closer to God than I had been?"  The answer is no, God showed me not how close He could be but how close He always was.  When I read Gods amazing truths in the Bible they were the same ones I read before, they just made more sense.  God's grace didn't become clearer it was the stain of sin on this world that became clearer.

Things I don't want others to know

I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all the emotions and questions that came after my son died.  It has been a nice place for reflection and healing.  But last week I was struggling and didn't want to post it.

I've been having this strange dream and waking up feeling sad and helpless.  Part of me wanted to hold on to the pain.  The pain meant I still cared, he was still important and missed. Part if me wanted to move past the pain, stop dwelling on the hurt and allow God's healing.

It was strange how something as simple as a bad dream could throw my whole life off.  I couldn't sleep.  I was short tempered.  I got frustrated easily.  Dwelling on pain and hurt is not remembering.  Focusing on the fear I felt is not loving the son I miss.

Even though the dreams were a reminder that James is still important, dwelling on the hurt is not remembering with love.

The brightness of light

Yesterday I had a wonderful time talking to a dear friend.  In true old friend fashion we managed to talk about everything imaginable and then a few more.

Afterwards I started thinking about what was said and old times and life now.  So many changes have taken place in the last three years, some where painful and terrible but others where wonderful.

The painful ones come to mind quickly, they hurt even now.  The good changes tend to make me mad because they just emphasize how bad the others where.  

In the end though I have to be able to thank God for bringing me through the good time as well as the bad.  It is good to know that He doesn't abandon you after helping you through a trial.  Just because things seem better doesn't mean He lets you handle it your self.

And He knows what is coming so I don't have to worry.  Whether we come to good times or bad times He will be with us and I shall praise Him.

Just Like Everyone Else

Lately I've been told by people that my marriage seems happier and my husband and I seem nicer to each other. At first I wasn't sure how to take it.  Was I mean before?  Was I overly cranky?  Was there something wrong with how we were acting?

Then I was talking to a friend about it and realized our life is "normal" now.  We are dealing only with the regular stress that normal people have.  Before there was grief, anger, confusion, and frustration over school.  Now there is normal life.

Sure there are still days I want to stay in bed and hide under the blankets but now I can get up anyways without someone pushing me.  There are days life seems unfair and everything we've been through seems too much.

But there are also days spent smiling.  Days when I'm eager to get up and get started.  Days when life seems good.

The big trials are in the past for now, with life there is no certainty they will stay there but for now I can relax and focus on today.  After all why worry about tomorrow?

social media and praying for comfort

With social media it is easy for the entire world to know your problems before you've even had a chance to think about them.  People pass on personal information in the form of prayer requests or just are so shocked they automatically share it with others.

But that can lead to strangers putting their two cents in where it doesn't belong or extened family feeling like they are the last to know something important.

The internet has become a release for people, it is a place they can share what they think, feel, or wish.  But my personal reaction to someone else's problems and pain doesn't need pushed out on to the internet.

So instead I put it on a blog they won't see, and hardly anyone reads.  I'm able to cry for them, pray for them and not worry that some unknown stranger may post something "thoughtful" which could hurt.

I pray for my friends, for comfort while they grieve, for strength while they raise their daughter, for courage as they hear all the questions, for grace while they make arrangements, for love while they feel lost, for hope as they look to eternity. 

I pray for their families who are grieving with them while also comforting them.  I pray that they too might find strength and comfort.

The world is a sadder place tonight, hearts are heavy and eyes tearful. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.