miracle balloons

It is summer time, for me that means more free time, since we don't school year round, and miracle balloons at Dairy Queen.

Dairy Queen has been selling the paper balloons for as long as I remember.  They didn't really mean much to me when I first worked there.  Sure giving a dollar to a good cause and getting coupons was nice and all, but it didn't really impact me.  When James died that changed.

The donations collected in our area go directly to the place he past away.  For me buying a balloon is now a way of saying thank-you to the hospital staff who struggled to keep him alive and, when they failed, the staff who were the first to offer comfort while I grieved.

So when Miracle balloon sales began three years ago the balloons had new meaning and importance to me.  I wanted to give more, to do more.  I decided to encourage to local store, where I worked, to promote the balloons more and we began a raffle.  Ticket were earned when ballon sales were good and names were drawn at the end of the selling season.

I didn't realize how draining caring would be, how emotional I would be.  In the end it was good and gave me an outlet for both my grief and my energy.

This year I'm not working, I'm home being a mom to my other kids.  But I still want to be a part of something bigger than me and Miracle balloons are what I know.  So I am sponsoring the raffle again and feeling the drain on my emotions.  How is it that caring can feel so good and so bad.

one to actually post

A funny thing about blogging emotions, sometimes they change quickly or don't quite make it out onto the page.  For me that has meant many blog entries that were started, some even finished but never posted on line.  Some of them turned out to be to personal, not meant for others to see.  Some where to insensitive, since my readers are mostly known to me sometimes I don't want one of them to have to see how I feel so I keep it to myself.   And sometimes I am just to distracted life keeps going around me and  I get caught up in it.

But two and a half years later I still have the same emotions they are just a little less raw, a little easier to hide and a little less anxious to be shared.

The church nursery helper sign up form was passed around last week and I looked at the sweet little ones that would be back in the nursery and I wondered if I would ever want to help again.  I simply don't want to.  I don't want to hear the young moms talk about their baby troubles and triumphs, I don't want them stuck with me if I'm in a melancholy mood.

Some weeks would be fine but others would be a struggle so I didn't sign up.  I wonder if they will understand or if they will think I forgot, I don't want to have to explain so I hope noone asks about it later.

How life is.

Sometimes it is hard to know how to react to people.  Sometimes instead of figuring out the correct reaction it is easier to simply not react.

Today we were at girl scouts talking about what babies need to survive.  Most of the girls thought of things like food, air, water, and someone to care for the baby.  One girl was a bit obsessed with bodily functions.  She was very insistent about babies needing to poop and pee.

Of course she was right.  In fact that was the problem James had.  The insides have to work right.  But that was not what we were suppose to be working on, so I directed the girls back to what we can give or do to help babies.

The hardest part was watching Charry, she knew that was why James died but she didn't seem to want to talk about it.  I don't know if she would have said something if I hadn't been the leader.

I knew because of the topic that I would be thinking of James, I purposely left my locket at home so the girls couldn't ask to see his picture.  But even so I wasn't sure how to react, sometimes having first hand knowlege makes it harder to talk about something rather than easier.

Dreams

I had a strange dream last night.  I dreamed I saw my son.  I told him how much I missed him and still loved him.  I showed him all the things we had saved from when he was born.  It wasn't like he was here more like he was visiting.  At the end of the dream I had to say goodbye again.

It was weird, felt real, and I can't quite shake it.  I guess I let my mind wander to much lately and creaky doors keep the mind awake while the body sleeps.  Some dreams are in between sleep and awake, they tend to feel more real and are harder to forget.  This was one of those.

Now my day is starting in a slump, not depressed sad, more lonely.  Two and a half years has been a long time for me.  There have been so many changes and life has moved so fast.  It was strange to look back and feel it all so fresh.

looking back on 2012

It was the best of times it was the worst of times, only not the first part.

2012 will be the year Jon graduated from college (finally) and the year my dad died.  I will remember how hard it was to to watch my parents, my dad's sickness and my mom's grief.

I'll remember how anxious I was for Jon to finally be done with school and the aggravation of job searching.

Much of the year is a blur of working at DQ then staying home all the time.  Of schooling my daughters and moving out of the apartments.  Of praying for friends and acquaintances as they suffer heartache.

It has not been a year of joy or celebration but it has been a year with God in control.  I suppose as long as we trust in Him it is "the best of times" because He is there with us.

Boxing Day

Christmas is a bit overwhelming.  So much business, so much family, so much memories.  Trying hard not to be constantly remembering, how it was or thinking how it should be.

I miss my dad, his humor, his laugh.  As a kid, Christmas was the day we saw the most of him.  So Christmas is a time I am reminded the most of him.  He's the one who always had the music playing in the background, he's the one who picked the movies to watch.  He's the one who made fun of all the gifts.

I also miss my son, I wonder what Christmas would have been like.  One more stocking hung, one more child to chase, one mess after another to clean up.

But they are both celebrating with the Savior.   What a party it must be in Heaven every day as Gods promises are fulfilled and His glory shown.

I just need to get away from reminiscing and wishful thinking and remember what Christmas is really about.  It's not about family, laughter, being loving to one another.  It is about how God showed his love for us by sending His one and only Son, that all who believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Christmas Time is here again

Last weekend was hard for me.  I got in fights (well arguments) for silly reasons.  I didn't want to do the things that needed done.  I didn't get to do the fun things I wanted to do.  I was too emotional, happy or sad it all came out my eyes, i.e. I cried a lot.

Then came monday, a new week.  I took a step back and prayed for a new heart, a new understanding, and a new attitude.  God is good.  He is working on me and working with me.  Christmas is a time spent with loved ones and family.  For me with some of my loved ones and family gone Christmas will always be a time they are missed.

My mom is such an encouragement to me.  She is able to focus on the hope of eternity, the promise that those who go before us are already perfected.  I am sure she has bad days too.  But seeing her constantly relying on God through those time is a wonderful reminder to me to do like wise.

I pray that my focus during Christmas and beyond will be of the son of God come to earth to bring healing.  Now my happy tears are back as I praise God my son and my dad have both found that healing, I eagerly await the day I will join them and all these tears will be wiped away.