a day I don't want to remember

Celebrating James' birthday last week was hard.  But it was the melancholy happy sad that makes you want to smile as you cry.  I have such good memories of the day he was born.  I loved holding him close and laughing at his cute ears.

Today is the two year anniversary of his death.  There is nothing to celebrate, no happy memories, no reasons to smile.  Instead I want to cry, to wail, to shout how unfair life is.  How hard it is to still be dealing with this pain.

The grief I feel is mine alone.  I don't want to share it.  I don't want my daughters to remember the pain that came after their brother died.  I want them to remember the special little brother that they barely met.  So on his birthday we celebrated but today I cry alone.

I am so thankful for the people around me who give love and support, it is nice to know I am not completely alone.

Dreaming of Terrible Two's

We are planning a "party" for tomorrow.  Some thing simple, decorate cupcakes and play video games.  Just our small little family.  We're taking the day off school but Jon still has to work, so it will just be for the evening.  I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm sad, I want to cry, I want to sit by myself and wail about how unfair life is, how cruel the world is.

I'm happy, I want to remember my son,  remember holding him, remember how it felt to have him.

I'm curious, two years old what would he have been like, would he have been a trouble maker, a fighter, a cuddler?

I'm tired, it has been a long year.  I can't believe two years have gone by already.  Life keeps changing. At times I just want it to slow down, to let me catch up.

I am blessed to have my daughters, they keep life from passing me by.  They are happy to celebrate James' birthday, happy to have cupcakes, happy to play games.  But they also like remembering their little brother.  Merry is adamant, "He's not dead, he's just alive in Heaven instead of here."  I love her child like faith and simple reasoning.  It is a good reminder for me that while a sad goodbye it is a temporary one.  Two years have almost passed and the day we will be reunited is getting closer.

Then our party will be elaborate and we shall celebrate not this life but the eternal one.

Today is a good day

Life can be good.  I hear my daughters playing nicely together (sure they are suppose to be cleaning their room but...)  We have had dinner as a family almost every night this week.

I miss my son, I miss my dad, but I am so grateful for the people I do have here with me.  I love my daughter so much.  I love watching them grow and learn.  I love my husband, I love how he has grown in our ten years of marriage, I love that he is finally out of school.

I love my mom, she is AMAZING.  I love my sibling, nieces, nephews, in-laws, uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins.  Right now I feel so grateful for all the people in my life who have supported me during the last few years.

Little things, like eating dinner as a family seem so big right now.  I want to hold on to these memories. I keep reminding myself that it is OK to enjoy life.  You can still smile while you miss people.  I think I was scared to care so much, scared to actually love.  Scared to hurt again.

I don't ever want to relive these last few years.  But God is faithful and He will continue to be faithful.  (sometimes I need to just say it out loud and remind myself it is true.)  I pray that when hard times come they will not be as hard of times and that I will remain faithful too.

Back to being "Mom"

The past two and a half years have moved so slow and so fast.  It has been 22 months since James died.  Life seems so different now.  It is hard to remember why I made some of the decisions I made in the month following his death.  At the time I didn't feel, or maybe I felt too much, like I needed to make certain decisions.

Going back to work was because of how I felt not because I wanted to work or needed to work.  I simply felt like work would be good.  At the time being a mom was so hard.  Being a human was hard. Tucking my kids into bed at night was such a chore.  It wasn't that I didn't like doing it, it was that James wouldn't be a part of it.  It took me a little bit to realize how hard it was on my kids to have a teary eyed mother who wasn't able to be "mom."

That was when I went back to working part time.  I was able to not be "mom."  I was able to interact with people who didn't know what I had been through.  I was able to serve ice cream with a smile.  I was able to get out of the apartment and away from everything that reminded  me of James.

Jon needed the opposite.   He needed to be "dad."  He needed to see that he could be "dad."  Me working meant he had to be home and to be focused on his daughters.

But now life has changed.  I am able to be "mom" without constant tears.  I am able to remember James without being sick with grief.  Jon and I are able to be home together (before he was a student as well as working part time.)  It is hard when people ask what I'm going to do now that I'm quitting.  I can't help but remember the pain I had gone to work to avoid, the heartache I didn't want my kids constantly seeing.

I am able to quit the part time job because I am able to focus on my full time job, parenting.  The timing may be because of my husbands job but the reason isn't.  Still it is hard to say, "I was only working to avoid the constant sadness I felt as a mother who lost a child when I was around my other children.  Now that I am able to deal with those emotions I feel my kids need a full time mom."  Some thing are a whole lot easier to voice on line.

Fears

People tell you to face your fears.  Somehow facing fears is suppose to make them go away.  Christians will tell you to give your fears to God.  After all He has not given us a spirit of fear but of hope.  But what of fears that have been faced, fears that you trust God through, fears that remain.

After James passed away I started having night mares. Dreaming that something had happened to my other children and/or to my husband.  I was never there when it happened and I was never able to help. I would wake up not scared but sad.

I have lots of irrational fears, toaster won't burst into flames if you leave them plugged in.  But this fear doesn't feel irrational.  Everyday you hear of accidents, people getting hurt.  At the same time I can't keep my family safely hidden away in a bubble.

So I face my fear.  Last week my daughters went to visit their Aunt Mel.  I knew it would be fun for them.  I knew Mel would take good care of them.  I knew I wanted to go too, but had to work.  I wanted to say, "NO."  It was too far away, I would have no control, if anything happened I would have to hear about it over the phone.  All my nightmares started re-popping up in my head.  All the things that could happen.

While they were gone I spent a lot of time praying, and I spent a lot of time distracting myself shopping.  When they got home, safe and sound, I felt relieved and happy.  But later that week, Merry went to Grandma's house while Charry stayed with me.

Even though I knew Merry would have more fun with Grandma and that Grandma was great at keeping kids safe, still I hesitated.  My fear is still there.  I guess some fears are overcome by not letting them change your actions, by trusting God that even if what you fear happens He will see you through. I would rather the fear simply disappear and the night mares forgotten.

not a laughing matter

My Dad past away a few month ago, it's weird but I'm not sure how long exactly.  Right now time is measured by James' death and I don't want to remember the two together so my dad doesn't get time, for now.

Anyways, my family, sister and I especially but the others also, tend to treat dad's sickness and death with humor.  We'll make jokes about it and laugh about things other around us don't.  Someone told us we were being mean because, even if we are joking, we make those around us feel bad.  She was probably right.  It probably is mean of us.  But my dad was a joker.  There were things growing up that were inappropriate unless they were funny.  If it was funny you could make an exception for it.  So when I think of My Dad I want to remember even the saddest moments with humor.

People talk about being "sick with grief' and I always thought it was just a figure of speech until I experienced it.  Now I feel as though I have cried enough for this life time, I have been sad enough.  From now on when bad things happen I don't want to cry I want to just keep going.  I can handle "uncomfortable" much better than "sad."

graduation 2012

My husband graduated , finally.  After deciding to go back to school in 2004 we are finally closing that chapter of our life.  It is hard to explain to people just how unreal this feels to me, even to people who know about the last two years and how hard they have been on us.  I didn't think he could do it.

Just over two years ago when we found out about my dad's cancer, Jon and I sat down and talked seriously about him taking at least a year off and working full time to help my parents with bills.  When it was decided that my brother would move in next door and help instead there was a mix of relief and disappointment.  I wanted to help but with baby on the way I wasn't sure I could.

After James passed away Jon seemed so lost.  He couldn't focus on school, he couldn't focus on work, he didn't seem very focused on family.  And I wasn't able to focus on him.  Being a mother is much easier than being a wife.

Looking back at his school it is six long year of self made problems and one even longer year of problem we had no control over.  His first years of school we will remember as when Charry didn't know he lived with us.  He was working swing and taking day classes.  Often she was sleeping when he got home and still sleeping when he left.  The middle years will be remembered by the internships he didn't get, those promised that lost funding.  And the last years will be remembered for the sorrow, loosing something so precious yet having to keep going without it.

We've had our good times too, we've made sure to have family time so the girls know their daddy.  And the summer is starting out on a good note, he has an internship lined up ready to start next week.  Still when I see his diploma I can't help but remember last year when everything was so hopeless and I wasn't sure if he would keep going to school.