The past two and a half years have moved so slow and so fast. It has been 22 months since James died. Life seems so different now. It is hard to remember why I made some of the decisions I made in the month following his death. At the time I didn't feel, or maybe I felt too much, like I needed to make certain decisions.
Going back to work was because of how I felt not because I wanted to work or needed to work. I simply felt like work would be good. At the time being a mom was so hard. Being a human was hard. Tucking my kids into bed at night was such a chore. It wasn't that I didn't like doing it, it was that James wouldn't be a part of it. It took me a little bit to realize how hard it was on my kids to have a teary eyed mother who wasn't able to be "mom."
That was when I went back to working part time. I was able to not be "mom." I was able to interact with people who didn't know what I had been through. I was able to serve ice cream with a smile. I was able to get out of the apartment and away from everything that reminded me of James.
Jon needed the opposite. He needed to be "dad." He needed to see that he could be "dad." Me working meant he had to be home and to be focused on his daughters.
But now life has changed. I am able to be "mom" without constant tears. I am able to remember James without being sick with grief. Jon and I are able to be home together (before he was a student as well as working part time.) It is hard when people ask what I'm going to do now that I'm quitting. I can't help but remember the pain I had gone to work to avoid, the heartache I didn't want my kids constantly seeing.
I am able to quit the part time job because I am able to focus on my full time job, parenting. The timing may be because of my husbands job but the reason isn't. Still it is hard to say, "I was only working to avoid the constant sadness I felt as a mother who lost a child when I was around my other children. Now that I am able to deal with those emotions I feel my kids need a full time mom." Some thing are a whole lot easier to voice on line.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Fears
People tell you to face your fears. Somehow facing fears is suppose to make them go away. Christians will tell you to give your fears to God. After all He has not given us a spirit of fear but of hope. But what of fears that have been faced, fears that you trust God through, fears that remain.
After James passed away I started having night mares. Dreaming that something had happened to my other children and/or to my husband. I was never there when it happened and I was never able to help. I would wake up not scared but sad.
I have lots of irrational fears, toaster won't burst into flames if you leave them plugged in. But this fear doesn't feel irrational. Everyday you hear of accidents, people getting hurt. At the same time I can't keep my family safely hidden away in a bubble.
So I face my fear. Last week my daughters went to visit their Aunt Mel. I knew it would be fun for them. I knew Mel would take good care of them. I knew I wanted to go too, but had to work. I wanted to say, "NO." It was too far away, I would have no control, if anything happened I would have to hear about it over the phone. All my nightmares started re-popping up in my head. All the things that could happen.
While they were gone I spent a lot of time praying, and I spent a lot of time distracting myself shopping. When they got home, safe and sound, I felt relieved and happy. But later that week, Merry went to Grandma's house while Charry stayed with me.
Even though I knew Merry would have more fun with Grandma and that Grandma was great at keeping kids safe, still I hesitated. My fear is still there. I guess some fears are overcome by not letting them change your actions, by trusting God that even if what you fear happens He will see you through. I would rather the fear simply disappear and the night mares forgotten.
After James passed away I started having night mares. Dreaming that something had happened to my other children and/or to my husband. I was never there when it happened and I was never able to help. I would wake up not scared but sad.
I have lots of irrational fears, toaster won't burst into flames if you leave them plugged in. But this fear doesn't feel irrational. Everyday you hear of accidents, people getting hurt. At the same time I can't keep my family safely hidden away in a bubble.
So I face my fear. Last week my daughters went to visit their Aunt Mel. I knew it would be fun for them. I knew Mel would take good care of them. I knew I wanted to go too, but had to work. I wanted to say, "NO." It was too far away, I would have no control, if anything happened I would have to hear about it over the phone. All my nightmares started re-popping up in my head. All the things that could happen.
While they were gone I spent a lot of time praying, and I spent a lot of time distracting myself shopping. When they got home, safe and sound, I felt relieved and happy. But later that week, Merry went to Grandma's house while Charry stayed with me.
Even though I knew Merry would have more fun with Grandma and that Grandma was great at keeping kids safe, still I hesitated. My fear is still there. I guess some fears are overcome by not letting them change your actions, by trusting God that even if what you fear happens He will see you through. I would rather the fear simply disappear and the night mares forgotten.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
not a laughing matter
My Dad past away a few month ago, it's weird but I'm not sure how long exactly. Right now time is measured by James' death and I don't want to remember the two together so my dad doesn't get time, for now.
Anyways, my family, sister and I especially but the others also, tend to treat dad's sickness and death with humor. We'll make jokes about it and laugh about things other around us don't. Someone told us we were being mean because, even if we are joking, we make those around us feel bad. She was probably right. It probably is mean of us. But my dad was a joker. There were things growing up that were inappropriate unless they were funny. If it was funny you could make an exception for it. So when I think of My Dad I want to remember even the saddest moments with humor.
People talk about being "sick with grief' and I always thought it was just a figure of speech until I experienced it. Now I feel as though I have cried enough for this life time, I have been sad enough. From now on when bad things happen I don't want to cry I want to just keep going. I can handle "uncomfortable" much better than "sad."
Anyways, my family, sister and I especially but the others also, tend to treat dad's sickness and death with humor. We'll make jokes about it and laugh about things other around us don't. Someone told us we were being mean because, even if we are joking, we make those around us feel bad. She was probably right. It probably is mean of us. But my dad was a joker. There were things growing up that were inappropriate unless they were funny. If it was funny you could make an exception for it. So when I think of My Dad I want to remember even the saddest moments with humor.
People talk about being "sick with grief' and I always thought it was just a figure of speech until I experienced it. Now I feel as though I have cried enough for this life time, I have been sad enough. From now on when bad things happen I don't want to cry I want to just keep going. I can handle "uncomfortable" much better than "sad."
Thursday, June 21, 2012
graduation 2012
My husband graduated , finally. After deciding to go back to school in 2004 we are finally closing that chapter of our life. It is hard to explain to people just how unreal this feels to me, even to people who know about the last two years and how hard they have been on us. I didn't think he could do it.
Just over two years ago when we found out about my dad's cancer, Jon and I sat down and talked seriously about him taking at least a year off and working full time to help my parents with bills. When it was decided that my brother would move in next door and help instead there was a mix of relief and disappointment. I wanted to help but with baby on the way I wasn't sure I could.
After James passed away Jon seemed so lost. He couldn't focus on school, he couldn't focus on work, he didn't seem very focused on family. And I wasn't able to focus on him. Being a mother is much easier than being a wife.
Looking back at his school it is six long year of self made problems and one even longer year of problem we had no control over. His first years of school we will remember as when Charry didn't know he lived with us. He was working swing and taking day classes. Often she was sleeping when he got home and still sleeping when he left. The middle years will be remembered by the internships he didn't get, those promised that lost funding. And the last years will be remembered for the sorrow, loosing something so precious yet having to keep going without it.
We've had our good times too, we've made sure to have family time so the girls know their daddy. And the summer is starting out on a good note, he has an internship lined up ready to start next week. Still when I see his diploma I can't help but remember last year when everything was so hopeless and I wasn't sure if he would keep going to school.
Just over two years ago when we found out about my dad's cancer, Jon and I sat down and talked seriously about him taking at least a year off and working full time to help my parents with bills. When it was decided that my brother would move in next door and help instead there was a mix of relief and disappointment. I wanted to help but with baby on the way I wasn't sure I could.
After James passed away Jon seemed so lost. He couldn't focus on school, he couldn't focus on work, he didn't seem very focused on family. And I wasn't able to focus on him. Being a mother is much easier than being a wife.
Looking back at his school it is six long year of self made problems and one even longer year of problem we had no control over. His first years of school we will remember as when Charry didn't know he lived with us. He was working swing and taking day classes. Often she was sleeping when he got home and still sleeping when he left. The middle years will be remembered by the internships he didn't get, those promised that lost funding. And the last years will be remembered for the sorrow, loosing something so precious yet having to keep going without it.
We've had our good times too, we've made sure to have family time so the girls know their daddy. And the summer is starting out on a good note, he has an internship lined up ready to start next week. Still when I see his diploma I can't help but remember last year when everything was so hopeless and I wasn't sure if he would keep going to school.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Do I believe in Miracles?
Two weeks ago my dad passed away. He had been fighting cancer for the last two years. My grief feels very selfish. You see for me Dads cancer and my son have been linked since the beginning. When we found out about the brain tumor I was three months pregnant and had one of those i-pod apps that told you how the baby was developing and how big the baby would be at that week in pregnancy. So when the doctor described the size of the tumor it was something familiar to me, the same size as my son. When she told us dad would probably only last six months I knew with out counting when that would be, it was my due date.
I remember crying out to the Lord for my dad, that he would meet grandson. It was an emotional pregnancy, life was a bit crazy as we tried to help Mom and Dad with their life changes, my dad's new disability and all the treatments. I prayed for a miracle, for healing, for a health Granddad.
When my son was born I saw my miracle. Dad was not healed but he was still there. He was able to come to the hospital and to hold James. I was so happy, so relieved. It was the miracle I had prayed so hard for.
A week later my son was gone. There was no healing. There was no relief. There was no miracle.
When my dad started to get worse instead of better I prayed so hard for a miracle. My son was gone, couldn't I at least keep my dad. But that isn't how this world works. We can't make bargains with God. My son was not mine to keep or to give up and neither was my dad.
I don't understand. Life doesn't make sense. This world is so broken, so full of sin and the destruction that comes with sin. In my head and in my heart I know that both Dad and James have received complete healing. I know that the miracle I prayed for was temporary but the miracle we have been given is eternal. But right now I miss them, I wish they were here. I pray for the day we will rejoice as the whole world receives healing and sin and death are finally no more.
I remember crying out to the Lord for my dad, that he would meet grandson. It was an emotional pregnancy, life was a bit crazy as we tried to help Mom and Dad with their life changes, my dad's new disability and all the treatments. I prayed for a miracle, for healing, for a health Granddad.
When my son was born I saw my miracle. Dad was not healed but he was still there. He was able to come to the hospital and to hold James. I was so happy, so relieved. It was the miracle I had prayed so hard for.
A week later my son was gone. There was no healing. There was no relief. There was no miracle.
When my dad started to get worse instead of better I prayed so hard for a miracle. My son was gone, couldn't I at least keep my dad. But that isn't how this world works. We can't make bargains with God. My son was not mine to keep or to give up and neither was my dad.
I don't understand. Life doesn't make sense. This world is so broken, so full of sin and the destruction that comes with sin. In my head and in my heart I know that both Dad and James have received complete healing. I know that the miracle I prayed for was temporary but the miracle we have been given is eternal. But right now I miss them, I wish they were here. I pray for the day we will rejoice as the whole world receives healing and sin and death are finally no more.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter Morning 2012
I bought my daughters Easter dresses that had matching doll dresses with them because I wanted them to remember Easter as special. I don't want them to look back at all the holidays as when Mom got moody and cried at church. But that is how I will remember the Holidays at least this year and last year.
This year I am also wrestling with mixed emotions as my father is dying of cancer. It seem this month things have gotten worse quickly and time is getting short. As a Christian I have hope, I will see him again, he will have a new perfect body, his pain will be gone. As a daughter I have grief, I will miss him, who will I go to for advice, my dad is the smartest man I've ever know, who will tell me when I am acting stupid. I'm sure there are many out there willing to take over telling me when I'm doing something dumb but it won't be the same.
No one wants to see someone they love in pain, we all pray for healing and mercy, but while we wait for those prayers to be answered it is so hard.
This year I am also wrestling with mixed emotions as my father is dying of cancer. It seem this month things have gotten worse quickly and time is getting short. As a Christian I have hope, I will see him again, he will have a new perfect body, his pain will be gone. As a daughter I have grief, I will miss him, who will I go to for advice, my dad is the smartest man I've ever know, who will tell me when I am acting stupid. I'm sure there are many out there willing to take over telling me when I'm doing something dumb but it won't be the same.
No one wants to see someone they love in pain, we all pray for healing and mercy, but while we wait for those prayers to be answered it is so hard.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Easter
Tomorrow is Easter. I use to love Easter. It came at the beginning of spring and brought hope and life. I always was amazed at the power of God and his work all in one weekend.
Today I don't feel as happy and joyous over the hope and life. Today I wonder why this work which was suppose to be finished so long ago seems to be dragging on. Today the grave seems victorious and the sting of death seems painful.
I wonder if the day will come when like the women visiting the tomb my sorrow will turn to joy and everything that is wrong in this world will suddenly be made right. I eagerly await the day Christ will return and we will all go to the new heaven and new earth. We will all have new bodies and finally the sting of death will be no more. I pray that day comes soon.
Today I don't feel as happy and joyous over the hope and life. Today I wonder why this work which was suppose to be finished so long ago seems to be dragging on. Today the grave seems victorious and the sting of death seems painful.
I wonder if the day will come when like the women visiting the tomb my sorrow will turn to joy and everything that is wrong in this world will suddenly be made right. I eagerly await the day Christ will return and we will all go to the new heaven and new earth. We will all have new bodies and finally the sting of death will be no more. I pray that day comes soon.
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