Trigger warnings

I went to see the new “fantastic beasts” movie with my girls last month.  We are big Harry Potter fans and my younger daughter loves nifflers, so all in all it was a great family film for us.  Except for one thing, which took me by surprise.

So an aspect of the story which turns out to be a big spoiler deals with the death of a child. A death we see as a flash back. A death which to be honest was a bit of a trigger for me.

Some days I can disconnect myself from things, hear about another family’s tragedy without reliving my own. But other days my loss still feels fresh, or a recent reminder has brought it more to mind.  On those days I avoid situations that will trigger tears, but it is hard to avoid what you don’t know is coming.

Sitting in the theater, realizing what is happening, and feeling trapped was hard. I don’t like crying in public, or even just in front of my kids. I didn’t like finding myself in a place where I felt self conscious about how much I reacted emotionally.

And I found myself wishing there had been a warning, a “this may deal with a child’s death” label so I could know to wait for a day when I felt stable rather than a day when I was going to a movie because real life was hard. 

Happy birthday

Happy birthday, little buddy.  I still miss you! I miss being able to watch you grow. I wonder what 8 would have looked like.  Would you like starwars? Would you play legos? Would you want to be outside all the time? What books would you like reading? 

With your sisters I always know what kind of a party they want. What toys and books make the perfect gifts. But for you I’ll never know. Because while it is your eighth birthday, you will never be eight. This is another year I get to miss.

So tomorrow we will smile, remembering when we did get to hold you. And we will eat cupcakes as a family in honor of the day you joined us. And I will thank God for you, as I always do when I think of you. But I will also be sad because I miss you.

When remembering is hardest

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, my husband and I celebrated 16 years.  And I realize how hard keeping track of mile stones could be when you have one mark in particular which is painful.

Remembering 16 years meant remembering half of them are after we lost our son.  Remembering I’m turning 38 this year means remembering I was almost 30 when he was born.  It is hard to commemorate years gone bye with out realizing how much he has missed, and how much we miss him.  

I suppose it would be easier to just ignore the numbers, but remembering may be sad, it is also nice to remember my son throughout the year.  He was here for such a short time but he had a lasting impact.

New Year, years ago

Facebook's "on this day" can be a lot of fun.  Sometimes I'm reminded of my silly kids.  Other times I see how much I have changed.  And then there are moments when  looking back is painful.  When life was hard. 

This particular post was none of those.  Rather it was a reminder of right before life got crazy.  I had no idea how little I would care about nail biting, or how short my nails would end up by the next year.

Looking back made me think, what if I could warn myself?  What would I tell past me?  Would I warn myself?

I don't think so, ignorance is bliss.  Besides until you go through pain you can't really understand it.  I don't think there is a way to prepare for life's struggles.  So instead I just laugh at myself, my ignorance, my small sense of happiness.  

 

Feeling silly

On Monday my grandma called me.  I was very excited because I hadn't heard from her in weeks.  

To be honest I had been worried about her.  I had called a few times and left messages but she wasn't answering her phone or returning my calls.  She has cancer, is in remission I think but still has treatments.  

I kept thinking I should call my aunt and see if she got a new phone number. But... what if something was wrong and she just wasn't ready to tell us yet? Or treatments weren't going well and she didn't want company? Or she was out of town and I had just forgotten?

Every time I went to call someone else about her I felt myself begin to panic. So I didn't.

Turns out she had lost her cell phone and thought I was avoiding her.  The kids and I went up to visit her and had a good time.  

I will try to remember that sometimes when you get out of your bubble the world is good and you find out there was nothing to hide from, sometimes.

I had been doing so well.

So cubbies has been a little tough for me.  Last year and this year would have been when James would have been in the class.  I sometimes wonder looking at the other boys, what would my son have been like?  I laugh with the kids realizing I have no idea what is popular amongst preschoolers.  And smile sadly because I wish I had s preschooler at home to keep me informed.

Usually I do just fine getting through the evening with a few reminders.  But tonight didn't start very well.  Teacher Charlotte is gone for a few weeks so I briefly thought I could teach the bible story.  I was wrong.

Half way through I realized it was the story of the final plague on Egypt.  The plague that cost the Egyptians their sons.  As the adult that I am I expressed my sadness and uncomfortableness with, "Never mind, I can't do this after all."

Poor Stephanie was confused and I was unable to explain but just showed her the lesson then took a walk out side.  One lap around the church was enough for me to catch my breath and dry my eyes. The rest of the night went fine.  

But I wonder if there are stories I'll never be able to tell.  At least this year I was able to hear someone else tell it.

Insecurities

I'm back to school.  Feeling old as I hear about the other students in my class, wondering if I'm older than any of my teachers, struggling to figure out the technology side of classes, and getting back into good study habits.

For the most part school is going well.  Classes make sense.  I managed to pass both my classes last term and I'm feel confident in the classes I'm taking this term.

Except for one thing.  It's a silly thing.  It's not important to the class.  But it bugs me.  Yesterday I ended up with a headache because of it.  My teacher didn't reply to my introduction on the chat board.

He responded to everyone else but not me.  So I immediately decided he hates me.  What other explanation could there be.  After all teachers never overlook things, they never make mistakes, they aren't even human, right?

Okay, I know I'm over reacting.  But I still wish he would respond with "welcome to the class" like he did everyone else.

Happy? New Year

This year I have posted less.  But is it because I am less unhappy?  I still struggle with family events, major holidays, change of any kind.  I am taking college classes, I mostly enjoy them but the stress affects me differently than it used to.  I'm working on lesson plans and goals with my children and I still worry constantly if I am making the right choices.

In many ways our lives have calmed down.  We have more routine, less stress, fewer financial struggles.  Yet I am on guard for disaster that could strike at any moment.  I have nightmares where I loose everything important to me.  When I wake up my first response it to make those things less important so loosing them won't hurt as much rather than to hold those things close while I still can.

My sister mentioned still not being happy since our day died.  I began to wonder, "Am I happy?  When was the last time I felt happy?"  So as we welcome in the new year do I really expect it to be a happy one?  No, this world is too broken to be a happy place.  But we can still have joy in the gifts God has given us, the times He has shown us the happy place beyond this one.  "Even so, come, Lord Jesus"  Then perhaps the new year will be happy?

Oh look... A distraction

We're going to a reunion soon.  People I haven't seen in 13 years, people who I haven't met who went to the school either before or after I did.  People who don't know.

I'm going to smile, show off my beautiful girls, brag just a bit about Jon's engineering degree, and silently hope they don't ask.  Hope they didn't hear and don't know.  I don't want to see the sympathy in the back of their eyes.  Or hear the morbid curiosity in their questions.

Part of me wants to share; he's not a secret.  Part of me wants to keep him too myself; he is way more important to me than any small talk could express.

So I'm nervously trying to figure out what to talk about that will avoid bringing him up and how to change the subject if it takes a turn for the worst.  And how to be open with others, how to let God use me and the experience.

With strangers it is easy to not talk about stuff, with close friends it is easy to share or not depending on the mood, but acquaintances I'm not sure how to deal with.  

A friend told me she wanted this to be an opportunity to encourage one another, I'm not sure I'll be much encouragement if I'm constantly looking for distraction.

Depression?

I think I've been dealing with a little bit of depression lately, well what I have is more of a stupor.

I've been tired, content to stay in bed, unwilling to see people, wishing to cancel plans simply because I don't want to brush my hair.  I found myself sitting on the couch, watching you-tube videos, eating crackers, house a mess, wondering why.

Easter makes me think of death, the promise of Easter is a reminder of the death and punishment that we need saved from.  New life is a reminder that this old life is temporary.  My son's death changed me, it changed how I veiw the world.  Some of those changes are good,  I cherish those around me.

Some of those changes are hard, hope is bitter sweet.  Knowing you will see someone again means you can't see them now.  Knowing perfection is coming means you are incomplete.

So this morning I got up, I worked on school with my daughter, I printed a to do list, and I started checking things off.  I rearranged my front room, because that is a change I can make.  And I thought of Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything, a time to sit on the couch and a time to get up and clean.  It was ok to take a break, even if I didn't realize I needed it, but that break could only last a season it is time for other things.

Missing piece

Last night I spent the night at the library with my daughters.  They had earned it by participating in "no screen week."  It was a fun, late night and the library was packed.  There were over 400 campers of all ages.

As I lay trying to get some sleep on the cold, hard library floor I could hear toddlers crying and parents reading familiar stories to their little ones.

All at once I was reminded of the stories my daughters had loved, the books they checked out so often I finally bought them their own copy.  The books I had planned to buy when we found out we were having a boy.

So there I was curled up in a sleeping bag in the middle of the library, surrounded by strangers suddenly wanting to cry.  I was tired and in an unfamiliar spot.  I wanted to be home, away from the happy moms, away from the picture books, away from the reminders of what I didn't get to have.

So I prayed, I thanked God for my daughters, I thanked God for His Son, I thanked God for eternal life and the hope of heaven.  It is still hard for me to not have James here but I am truly thankful that where he is, is a happy place.  It is a place without pain or suffering.  And it is a place full of love.  

Christmas is coming

Merry Christmas  little James,

You are still missed every day.  You are still loved by those who you left behind.  I still wonder how different my life would be if you were here.  This year your dad and I did something new.  We bought presents for a little boy in remembrance of you.  I don't know who will receive it but I hope they like it.

I wonder if you would have liked the gifts.  We included blocks and board books.  As well as a ball and stuffed animal.  Those are what most four year olds like, I think.  It is hard to think of you as anything other that a baby. 

It is strange to think you have been gone so long, four years already.  It seems like only yesterday I was holding you, saying goodbye. I do not know what eternal life looks like, if you know the changing seasons and what we on Earth are doing.  We are getting ready to celebrate another baby boy who was born, loved, and died.  This baby was special because his death is what gives me the hope of seeing you again.

He did not stay dead but conquered death so that we might have eternal life.  Eternal life how wonderful that sounds.  That is the life you now live, and I long to be a part of it.

Christmas is a time for family, without you our family is incomplete.

What a silly letter to send a child,

Your Mom (who will always love you)

A day off life

Yesterday I gave myself a day off.  I spent the entire day curled up in bed, half asleep.  I had a headache, I felt emotional, I didn't want to deal with anything.  So I stayed in my room, and was left alone.

But I didn't do it because I was giving up.  I knew it was only for a day.  It was a temporary break, so I could face the rest of the week.  I'm thankful for my husband who may not understand but allows me to hide away when I need to.  I am thankful for my daughters who deffinatly don't understand but will listen and obey.

Today I feel better.  Today I got out of bed.  I still had a headache, I still felt emotional, I still wanted to be away.  But I went to church, I smiled at people, I made dinner.  I even help with yard work rather than make excuses.  Because yesterday was my day off and it was only for one day.

It's coming

James' birthday is just a few days away.  I feel the sad anticipation as we prepare to celebrate a brief happy moment.  I already am feeling nervous about how public to make my grief.

Whether to post on Facebook, or take a picture for Instagram.  Do I let people know at dance class why I am sitting in a corner crying.  

In some ways I want to share, he was so special, so loved, so remember. In some ways I want to stay silent, he was so little, so mine.

It was all so quick. One short week in October, four years ago.  That was all the time we had, but it was time filled with loved and joy as we got to meet our son.

A headache

Today my head hurts.  It's the all I want to do is cry, why am I awake type of headache that I tend to get from stress.

The reason for my stress seems silly; today would be James' first day of AWANA.  I don't want to help this year.  I don't want to see all the little ones his age.  I don't want to know what I'm missing.

An off week

This week felt hard.  It was hard to get up in the morning, hard to do the things that needed done, hard to go to bed.  Just plain hard.

I sometimes worry that I have too many triggers, too many things that will send me into a slump.

This week I had at least three things make me on edge, where I get headaches and cry easily.  Two were church families we were praying for (both of whom are doing fine now.) The third was starting school and acknowledging autumn.  The entire season is rather depressing for me.  I had hoped starting school early would make it less fall-ish.

But instead I spent the weekend crying and locked away from the rest of the world.  Tears felt good and time alone felt refreshing.

Still I wonder why does the pain feel so fresh still.  Why does hurt take so long to heal?  

Looking to tomorrow

Lately life has been good.  Jon has a job.  Girls finished the school year ahead of schedule.  Bills are being paid.  My family is all healthy.  I praise God for His grace!

I also find myself stressed for no reason.  There is nothing big to keep me up at night yet there are times I can't sleep.  I keep expecting trouble, trials, sadness.

We are starting to plan for the future again.  Instead of just getting through the week or month, we are looking forward a year or even five years.  I know our plans aren't set in stone.  We just want to prepare for life ahead.  Part of me still feels scared to look beyond today.

Life can change so suddenly.  Plans can fall apart so quickly.  Dreams can turn to nightmares.

So I take a deep breath and remember, God is in control.  His plan doesn't end with this earth.  And His plans never fall apart.

On this earth our time is short, whether it's a week or a hundred years, compared to the eternity God has planned for us.

The Holy Spirit

When people talk about the Holy Spirit they tend to focus on one aspect. It may be His calling or His comforting, it seems to differ from person to person which aspect they think is the most important, or at least which they think of first.

As I sat in Sunday School today I heard one man, who didn't hear the gospel until he was almost an adult, share the Holy Spirit's conviction on unbelievers.  To him that was the main job for the Holy Spirit.  A retired pastor shared how the Holy Spirit leads.  His calling to ministry was when he felt the Holy Spirit most strongly.

For me, I think of Romans 8:26, "we do not know what we ought to pray but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us."  

When I was at the hospital and the nurse came out to tell me how the surgery was going and that my son had been resuscitated, I didn't know what to pray.  I wanted a miracle, I wanted to pray for my son to be ok.  But I knew miracles come in all different shapes and sized.  I knew God allowed pain and death.  

So I prayed for the Spirit to intercede.  That if I needed strength He would provide it.  If comfort, then He would comfort.  And that God would be with my son, that He would give my tiny baby everything that he needed.  I didn't know how the night would end, or how to pray accordingly but I trusted the Holy Spirit knew.

My son has had a lasting affect on me.  That one short week has made a huge difference in how I view the world and God. 

Feeling philosophical

There are times in life when everything changes.  It doesn't get better or worse, just different.  Some of those time are good; marriage, graduation, or birth of a child.  Some are bad; loss of a loved one, bankruptcy, chronic illness.

But whether the event itself is good or bad doesn't make the life to follow good or bad.  It is still just life.  

Remembering life from before we tend to focus all on the good but there was bad too.  Thinking of life now it is easy to look only at the bad but really it is good too.  The lives are just different.  Not even comparable.

There are so many irreversible moment in life.  Today I miss my dad.  He was such a huge influence on my life.  Life now is different, not better, not worse, just different.

spring

There are days I don't miss my son.  Not having a preschooler to entertain, or keep track of.  My girls are old enough I don't have to worry about them.  And they are way past potty training.  I'm not sad to have missed out on that stage.

Then I feel guilty.  I would have hated potty training but I would have been so proud of him when it was over.  It would be work to keep him busy but I would have loved watching him learn. 

It is hard to be glad that I'm past the "little" kids stage when I know I am missing out on my littlest one.  But also want to be glad as my older two grow.  I want to enjoy them getting older with out constant regret.

I cannot be sad that my son is in heaven.  I cannot regret holding him for that short while.  His life was precious but his eternal life is even more precious!

So is it ok to wish I was with him, to hope for eternity, rather than wishing he was with me?