Feeling silly

On Monday my grandma called me.  I was very excited because I hadn't heard from her in weeks.  

To be honest I had been worried about her.  I had called a few times and left messages but she wasn't answering her phone or returning my calls.  She has cancer, is in remission I think but still has treatments.  

I kept thinking I should call my aunt and see if she got a new phone number. But... what if something was wrong and she just wasn't ready to tell us yet? Or treatments weren't going well and she didn't want company? Or she was out of town and I had just forgotten?

Every time I went to call someone else about her I felt myself begin to panic. So I didn't.

Turns out she had lost her cell phone and thought I was avoiding her.  The kids and I went up to visit her and had a good time.  

I will try to remember that sometimes when you get out of your bubble the world is good and you find out there was nothing to hide from, sometimes.

I had been doing so well.

So cubbies has been a little tough for me.  Last year and this year would have been when James would have been in the class.  I sometimes wonder looking at the other boys, what would my son have been like?  I laugh with the kids realizing I have no idea what is popular amongst preschoolers.  And smile sadly because I wish I had s preschooler at home to keep me informed.

Usually I do just fine getting through the evening with a few reminders.  But tonight didn't start very well.  Teacher Charlotte is gone for a few weeks so I briefly thought I could teach the bible story.  I was wrong.

Half way through I realized it was the story of the final plague on Egypt.  The plague that cost the Egyptians their sons.  As the adult that I am I expressed my sadness and uncomfortableness with, "Never mind, I can't do this after all."

Poor Stephanie was confused and I was unable to explain but just showed her the lesson then took a walk out side.  One lap around the church was enough for me to catch my breath and dry my eyes. The rest of the night went fine.  

But I wonder if there are stories I'll never be able to tell.  At least this year I was able to hear someone else tell it.

Insecurities

I'm back to school.  Feeling old as I hear about the other students in my class, wondering if I'm older than any of my teachers, struggling to figure out the technology side of classes, and getting back into good study habits.

For the most part school is going well.  Classes make sense.  I managed to pass both my classes last term and I'm feel confident in the classes I'm taking this term.

Except for one thing.  It's a silly thing.  It's not important to the class.  But it bugs me.  Yesterday I ended up with a headache because of it.  My teacher didn't reply to my introduction on the chat board.

He responded to everyone else but not me.  So I immediately decided he hates me.  What other explanation could there be.  After all teachers never overlook things, they never make mistakes, they aren't even human, right?

Okay, I know I'm over reacting.  But I still wish he would respond with "welcome to the class" like he did everyone else.