Having children changes the way you live and the way you look at life. Having a child die changes the way you live and the way you look at life. Some of those changes are negative. I found out that when I am really upset I throw up. If I don't stop myself I will cry until I physically make myself sick.
Some of those changes are positive. My son mattered so much to me that I want him to matter to other people. This has caused me to be more involved with raising money for the hospital where he died.
This summer actively remembering my son has meant taking a family trip to Disneyland. A place I never really even dreamed of going. It meant taking time to show my daughters how important they are to me. It has meant taking time to be a family, watching movies, playing games, reading books. You would think going thru tragedy would automatically cause you to hold on tighter to those around you, and for some it probably does. But for other, and me, it makes you afraid to hold on. I never want to hurt so much again.
Living afraid is not how I want to live my life so this summer being mom has been my highest priority. I want my daughter to remember how much we love James and how much we love them.
My other active remembering has been at work. I work part time at Dairy Queen. It keeps me busy and helps pay for extra expenses. DQ partners with Children's Miracle Network every summer to raise money for local children hospitals. Every time I sell a balloon or ask someone if they would like to donate I remember my son. I remember how little he was, I remember how hard the Doctors and Nurses worked, I remember how hard I prayed for a miracle. And while I'm remembering I'm able to smile.
Of corse there were days I didn't ask people to donate because I couldn't keep smiling. And days I had the girls watch movies because it was hard to be a mom. But as I remember my son I want to work harder and be better so people can see he matters so much and I still miss him so much.
