February 18, 2011

Last week was strange. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. It wasn't until half way thru that I realized I was feeling the same way as four months ago. Anxious the fist day just like when I was going thru labor. So happy the next, like the day we brought him home. Followed by happy tired days. Then the day of confusion, nothing seemed to make sense. Then the fear and finally the pain. The strangest thing was the emotions came with out the memories and lasted so long. A memory I can force myself to stop thinking about but I could get myself to stop feeling.

The beginning of the week was so nice, happy, with out worries. That part happened so quickly I had almost forgotten how it felt to bring him home. How much we laughed as my husband finished cleaning off the crib and putting it together. James looked so small in the crib and I liked holding him so much, I let him sleep with me on the couch most of the time.

The end of the week was much harder for me both then and now. When last week ended I felt like I had no control over which songs would make me cry or when I might have to bite my tongue. All I could do was try my hardest not to dwell on what had made me feel this way four months ago. While I would gladly relive to day I brought him home from the hospital a million times I wish I could forget the day we had to bring him back.