Trigger warnings

I went to see the new “fantastic beasts” movie with my girls last month.  We are big Harry Potter fans and my younger daughter loves nifflers, so all in all it was a great family film for us.  Except for one thing, which took me by surprise.

So an aspect of the story which turns out to be a big spoiler deals with the death of a child. A death we see as a flash back. A death which to be honest was a bit of a trigger for me.

Some days I can disconnect myself from things, hear about another family’s tragedy without reliving my own. But other days my loss still feels fresh, or a recent reminder has brought it more to mind.  On those days I avoid situations that will trigger tears, but it is hard to avoid what you don’t know is coming.

Sitting in the theater, realizing what is happening, and feeling trapped was hard. I don’t like crying in public, or even just in front of my kids. I didn’t like finding myself in a place where I felt self conscious about how much I reacted emotionally.

And I found myself wishing there had been a warning, a “this may deal with a child’s death” label so I could know to wait for a day when I felt stable rather than a day when I was going to a movie because real life was hard. 

Happy birthday

Happy birthday, little buddy.  I still miss you! I miss being able to watch you grow. I wonder what 8 would have looked like.  Would you like starwars? Would you play legos? Would you want to be outside all the time? What books would you like reading? 

With your sisters I always know what kind of a party they want. What toys and books make the perfect gifts. But for you I’ll never know. Because while it is your eighth birthday, you will never be eight. This is another year I get to miss.

So tomorrow we will smile, remembering when we did get to hold you. And we will eat cupcakes as a family in honor of the day you joined us. And I will thank God for you, as I always do when I think of you. But I will also be sad because I miss you.

When remembering is hardest

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, my husband and I celebrated 16 years.  And I realize how hard keeping track of mile stones could be when you have one mark in particular which is painful.

Remembering 16 years meant remembering half of them are after we lost our son.  Remembering I’m turning 38 this year means remembering I was almost 30 when he was born.  It is hard to commemorate years gone bye with out realizing how much he has missed, and how much we miss him.  

I suppose it would be easier to just ignore the numbers, but remembering may be sad, it is also nice to remember my son throughout the year.  He was here for such a short time but he had a lasting impact.

New Year, years ago

Facebook's "on this day" can be a lot of fun.  Sometimes I'm reminded of my silly kids.  Other times I see how much I have changed.  And then there are moments when  looking back is painful.  When life was hard. 

This particular post was none of those.  Rather it was a reminder of right before life got crazy.  I had no idea how little I would care about nail biting, or how short my nails would end up by the next year.

Looking back made me think, what if I could warn myself?  What would I tell past me?  Would I warn myself?

I don't think so, ignorance is bliss.  Besides until you go through pain you can't really understand it.  I don't think there is a way to prepare for life's struggles.  So instead I just laugh at myself, my ignorance, my small sense of happiness.  

 

Feeling silly

On Monday my grandma called me.  I was very excited because I hadn't heard from her in weeks.  

To be honest I had been worried about her.  I had called a few times and left messages but she wasn't answering her phone or returning my calls.  She has cancer, is in remission I think but still has treatments.  

I kept thinking I should call my aunt and see if she got a new phone number. But... what if something was wrong and she just wasn't ready to tell us yet? Or treatments weren't going well and she didn't want company? Or she was out of town and I had just forgotten?

Every time I went to call someone else about her I felt myself begin to panic. So I didn't.

Turns out she had lost her cell phone and thought I was avoiding her.  The kids and I went up to visit her and had a good time.  

I will try to remember that sometimes when you get out of your bubble the world is good and you find out there was nothing to hide from, sometimes.

I had been doing so well.

So cubbies has been a little tough for me.  Last year and this year would have been when James would have been in the class.  I sometimes wonder looking at the other boys, what would my son have been like?  I laugh with the kids realizing I have no idea what is popular amongst preschoolers.  And smile sadly because I wish I had s preschooler at home to keep me informed.

Usually I do just fine getting through the evening with a few reminders.  But tonight didn't start very well.  Teacher Charlotte is gone for a few weeks so I briefly thought I could teach the bible story.  I was wrong.

Half way through I realized it was the story of the final plague on Egypt.  The plague that cost the Egyptians their sons.  As the adult that I am I expressed my sadness and uncomfortableness with, "Never mind, I can't do this after all."

Poor Stephanie was confused and I was unable to explain but just showed her the lesson then took a walk out side.  One lap around the church was enough for me to catch my breath and dry my eyes. The rest of the night went fine.  

But I wonder if there are stories I'll never be able to tell.  At least this year I was able to hear someone else tell it.

Insecurities

I'm back to school.  Feeling old as I hear about the other students in my class, wondering if I'm older than any of my teachers, struggling to figure out the technology side of classes, and getting back into good study habits.

For the most part school is going well.  Classes make sense.  I managed to pass both my classes last term and I'm feel confident in the classes I'm taking this term.

Except for one thing.  It's a silly thing.  It's not important to the class.  But it bugs me.  Yesterday I ended up with a headache because of it.  My teacher didn't reply to my introduction on the chat board.

He responded to everyone else but not me.  So I immediately decided he hates me.  What other explanation could there be.  After all teachers never overlook things, they never make mistakes, they aren't even human, right?

Okay, I know I'm over reacting.  But I still wish he would respond with "welcome to the class" like he did everyone else.